Martian Oil Find Eclipses Social Security

WASHINGTON (AEP) – NASA announced today the discovery of oil on Mars. Special geologic sensors on one of the two Mars rovers have confirmed the existence of well over 1000 billion barrels of high-quality light sweet crude in easily accessible locations under the Martian surface.

As a result of today’s discovery, Congressional leaders confirmed today in a hastily-called news conference that they had lined up sufficient support from both sides of the aisle to eliminate all benefits payments to Social Security and Medicare recipients. The FICA and Medicare payroll taxes will remain in place and the funds used instead for immediate Martian oil drilling projects and shipment of the crude to Earth.

The bill is expected to sail through Congress, and President Bush has already indicated he will sign it. “This will guarantee security for America and the world for thousands of years,” said Bush.

“Clearly, the need for this money to go toward an immediate program of Martian oil retrieval far outweighs any other uses it may have,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“This is the most exciting development we could ever have imagined,” said Democratic presidential candidate and front runner Hillary Clinton. “This will ensure not only the sovereignty and security of the U.S. for generations to come, but of the world as well.”

“God is clearly smiling on the United States,” said Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

“There’s simply no way we can finance oil drilling on Mars, and Social Security too,” said expected Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson. “Eliminating those programs in favor of oil recovery is clearly in the best interests of the American people.”

Several Congressional Democrats, speaking off the record, said however that the proposed legislation did not go far enough and that school lunches, tax breaks for the blind, and disability payments for quadriplegics should all be eliminated as well.

Some environmental groups have expressed concern over the effects of burning even more fossil fuel on the Earth’s delicate environment. There is not believed to be any truth to a report, unconfirmed at press time, that several leaders of the environmental movement in the U.S. had been arrested and sent to Guantánamo Bay.

Ben Heart, founder of the advocacy group Not Mars Too and suspected by the U.S. State Department of being a member of Al-Qaeda said that, “I realize no one is living on Mars yet, but given what we’ve already done to one planet, is it absolutely essential that we do it to another?”

“Who cares?” said Clinton. “We’re talking about oil here.”

A retired military analyst says the discovery of Martian oil could finally give the U.S. the freedom to use appropriate force in Iraq. “We need to bomb the entire goddamn Middle East,” says Col. Dick P. Blood (Ret). “We don’t need their oil anymore anyway.”

Other voices in Washington were urging restraint. “Let’s just bomb the parts of the Middle East with no oil, and distribute anthrax blankets to the rest of the dirty bastards,” said a liberal peace activist.

There was, however, one sector of the economy in strong opposition to the soon-to-be-official Martian drilling project. The Nuclear Energy Institute issued a press release saying in part that, “The burning of oil is not only unclean, it is morally wrong.” They also say the U.S. should immediately convert all automobiles to run on Uranium.

The Martian oil reclamation project is going ahead though, and reportedly Halliburton has already been issued the first no-bid contract for extraction. The company’s stock shot up one million points on the rumor.

“This is a momentous occasion,” said Bush. “Now we not only own the world, but the universe too.” NASA now hopes to find oil on Venus within the next few years, and missions to Mercury, Neptune, and Pluto are already being planned. There’s also talk of exploring the system around Alpha Centauri, the nearest star to our own Sun at a scant 4 light-years away.

“No distance or expense is too great when oil is involved and cash-strapped taxpayers are footing the bill,” said Pelosi.

E. B. Patton is a reporter for the Cincinnati-based AEP, and can be reached via e-mail at: Read other articles by E.B., or visit E.B.'s website.

6 comments on this article so far ...

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  1. cemmcs said on September 3rd, 2007 at 6:06am #

    Is this a joke? It’s so hard to tell nowadays.

  2. David Kennedy said on September 3rd, 2007 at 8:49am #

    This isn’t the first of April so someone must got the facts wrong, surely?

    Or perhaps it’s another neocon attempt at deflecting cash from welfare programmes into the pockets od ‘developers’.

    Will there be an ‘oil-rush to Mars and what will the fare be?

    Most importantly, has the American flag be planted there with a large placard saying “It’s OURS. We found it first”?

    If anyone believes this hocus-pocus they are dafter than the reporter.

  3. Survival Acres Blog » Martian Oil Find Eclipses Social Security said on September 3rd, 2007 at 9:15am #

    […] Good news!  Vaughn sent me this link.  Looks like the global oil supply problem has been resolved, the only bad part is it was found on Mars, so we’re going to have to go up there and get it.  Martian Oil Find Eclipses Social Security […]

  4. Chris said on September 3rd, 2007 at 11:36am #

    When George W. Bush was asked whether we could avoid using all the oil found on Mars just on the space vehicles needed to get there and back he replied: “we got some smart guys workin’ on that right now, god bless ‘merika.”

  5. ACT I said on September 3rd, 2007 at 4:22pm #

    What’s believable in this “report” is the fact that so few of our leaders (governmental, corporate, etc.) take “global warming” (caused in particular by the burning of fossil fuels) seriously enough to want to do something drastic about it. Some scientists predict that by the end of this century 60% of all species will be extinct. Who’s to say that our species won’t be among them? And it will be leaders here and abroad who will be able to take the “credit” for it.

  6. MSquirrel said on September 4th, 2007 at 3:48am #

    Of course this isn’t real. Its filed under fiction. Absolutely hilarious, thouigh…it was the first thing I thought of when G.W.B. said we were going to Mars…”He’s looking for oil.”