WASHINGTON (AEP) — A consortium of prestigious think tanks including the Heritage Foundation, Cato Institute, and the American Enterprise Institute, has just released a paper detailing a bold new plan for fixing America’s ailing economy.
“Slavery was so much more efficient and cost-effective that we would be remiss as a nation if we did not seriously consider returning to it,” the report says. “Given the challenges now facing the United States, the drain on resources and the stumbling economy, it seems obvious to us that at least a partial return to the policies of the late 18th and early 19th centuries is in the best interests of Americans.”
Neither the White House nor anyone in Congress had any immediate reaction to the report. However, one very prominent Senate Democrat from a populous Northeastern state did say off the record that, “I don’t think there’s any question that everyone agrees with the general thrust of the report. The problem lies in its implementation. Ultimately, it may take a nuclear attack on Iran to toughen Americans up enough so they’ll have the stomach to make obvious, needed changes.”
Liberal peace activists were incensed by the report’s recommendations, however. Said one, “It’s so ludicrous. The idea that chattel slavery is cheaper than wage slavery is just stupid. These idiot capitalists have been living so high on the hog for so long that they’ve forgotten just how good they have it right now. Yes, they need to tweak the system. But a major overhaul of the kind they’re suggesting will just cost them more in the long run than it will save them. Morons.”
The report did acknowledge that, “Many will question the wisdom of what we are suggesting. But it’s important for everyone to remember that this is about more than just economics. With the Iraq War spinning out of control and unrest here at home on the increase, this is also about ideology. We’ve got to get this country back under control before it’s too late.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a member of the consortium’s deliberative body revealed that, “There were proposals made by some who wanted to introduce the old Chinese practice of foot-binding here in the U.S. to help roll back the awful problems posed by feminism.” These proposals were narrowly defeated. However, a proposal to introduce stoning of unmarried women who are sexually active did find its way into an appendix of the report.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Chinese President Hu Jintao, and North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, who are all meeting this week in Beijing on unrelated business, issued a joint statement expressing their strong approval for the consortium’s report. “When a country like the United States takes so strong a lead in returning the world to a place of great sanity, it is the responsibility of world leaders such as ourselves to stand up and express our unwavering gratitude and support.”
One leading labor activist said however that the report did not go far enough. “White men’s wages have been in decline for decades. It’s not enough to just deal with the Negroes. You’ve got to deal with Hispanics and Orientals, too. This report isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.”
Nonetheless, with such a powerful coalition pushing these ideas, the report’s supporters like their chances. Said one, “We’re building a time machine, the likes of which neither H.G. Wells nor Stephen Hawking could construct.”
Time will tell if he is right.