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(DV) Zingh: Project for the New American Colonies







Project for the New American Colonies
(A Neoconned American Revolution)

by Zbignew Zingh
September 7, 2005

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It is the middle of the 18th Century. King George II has died and his mad grandson, George III ascends to the British throne. But wait! this is a quasi-historical political polemic! A palace coup takes place and, and... there's another, equally mad King George wearing the crown, and he's surrounded by neoconservative administrators, advisers and sycophants. They have a plan for imperial Great Britain to dominate the world and they have a Project for the New American Colonies. This, then, is history as it might have been.

1768 -- Prime Minister Lord Cheney, former CEO of the British East India and Sprawlmart Company, holds a conclave of the biggest commercial whaling interests in Great Britain to discuss the hunting-to-extinction of the schools of Northern Right Whales. Executives from British Whaleoil, Ltd, Mobile Whale, Inc., ExxoWhale, Ltd., and Chevwhale Corporation attend, as do political advisers Paul Wolf de Witz, Earl Richard Pearl, Sir Scooter de Libby, Condoleezza, the Duchess of Rice, and the Archbishop of Raspberries, Patrick Robertson. They explain to Lord Cheney how the Empire's economy -- and especially the royal military - depends on plentiful, cheap whale oil to lubricate artillery caissons, light London's street lamps and peoples' homes, and grease the wheels of commerce. Together, the plotters conclude that the Empire must secure the relatively untapped whaling waters off the North American continent.

1769 -- First Minister of War Donald, the Duke of Rumsfeld, and the Baron Wm. Frist, Leader of the House of Lords, command British soldiers to occupy the New American Colonies and secure the New England Whaling Waters. Soldiers are quartered in colonials' houses, their protests notwithstanding. King George, while on vacation at his Winter palace, falls off his horse. However, the King issues a statement through his press secretary, Scott, the Earl of McClellan, telling the English people that their soldiers will be greeted with flowers and chocolates.

1770 -- In response to the occupation of the colony of Massachusetts, Bostonians riot in the streets. In an effort to maintain law and order, Duke Donald of Rumsfeld orders British soldiers to shoot the “terrorists”, as he describes them. Several colonial insurgents die in what becomes known as the Boston Massacre. King George, recovering from another fall from his horse at his spring vacation palace, declares that England will embark on a world wide and perpetual War on Terrorism, and especially in those countries where whales can be found. The mothers of several British soldiers killed during “anti-terrorist” patrols in the colonies send a letter of protest to Buckingham Palace. The London press pillories the mothers as French-loving wimps. They are quickly arrested and imprisoned in the Tower of London on sedition charges. The London Stock Exchange goes up.

1773 -- In an effort to pay for His Majesty's military adventures in North America and around the globe (and to increase the profit of the British East India and Sprawlmart Company), Parliament authorizes the seizure of all American colonial industry, whaling vessels and agricultural production of corn and tobacco. King George, from his summer palace, explains that he intends to bring constitutional monarchy to the colonies because all peoples of the world will benefit from the same enlightened form of government enjoyed by Great Britain. In Parliament, all parties blindly join in passing the HMG Patriot Stamp Act. Not one member of the Commons has read the act which is nearly 1,000 pages long and was delivered for their consideration with only one hour's notice. The London Stock Exchange goes up.

1774 -- Due to the ongoing military cost of occupying the American colonies, inflation dramatically increases in Great Britain and its economy falters. Millions of Englishmen are out of work. The price of whale oil skyrockets. London's air becomes polluted with smoke and soot. Chancellor of the Exchequer, Lord Alan Greenspan, declares that the monetary supply is consistent with the M2 resurgence of the bubblized defriquitor and consequently, with the stabilization of the long term piquancy of the Dutch Guilder and the semblance of adequacy in potatoes, this is the best of all possible economies and there is no cause for alarm. The British people are soothed by the Chancellor's words and the London Stock Exchange goes up.

1774 -- At the behest of the King (still vacationing at his Autumn palace), Parliament passes the Coffee Tax as part of its larger program of imperial worldwide commerce, also known as global royalization. Henceforth, the American colonials will only be permitted to purchase coffee sold by the British East India and Sprawlmart Company under its exclusive Storebucks label. All American coffee shops are immediately shut down and the colonials are henceforth required to conduct all commercial transactions in pound sterling. The London Stock Exchange advances.

1774 -- Led by a shadowy colonial militant known only as “Samual Adams”, a gang of Bostonians, masquerading as baristas, boards a ship docked in Boston Harbor that is scheduled to offload boxes of Storebucks Coffee. The militants throw thousands of boxes of British coffee into the harbor and sink them. A tropical storm lashes the coffee colored harbor water into a giant foaming cappuccino. In retaliation for this act of sabotage, Lord Donald of Rumsfeld orders that the City of Boston be “pacified” by leveling the city and killing 75% of its inhabitants. From his winter vacation palace, King George tells the British people that their mission has been accomplished and that the “terrorist” Samuel Adams will be brought to justice. Shortly afterwards, King George is bucked off another horse.

1775 -- Patrick Henry declares to the Virginia legislature “Give me liberty, or give me death!” Colonials loyal to the King promptly denounce Mr. Henry for expressing unpatriotic opinions. They turn him in to the British secret service who put a black bag over his head and carry him away in a donkey cart. Henry is sent to a penal colony in Georgia where he is held incommunicado for several years and without ever being charged with a crime. King George, vacationing at his summer castle, declares Patrick Henry to be a traitor. The loyal colonials who turned in Patrick Henry are rewarded by the Crown with an increase in taxes, the conscription of their children into the military, and a reduction in public services. The loyalists greet the news of their 'reward' with whoops, cheers and waving hats.

1775 -- American colonials in Massachusetts, a notorious stronghold of the Puritan religious sect, burn the Union Jack in their town squares. British troops are sent in to Lexington and Concord to restore order. Various colonial pamphleteers learn about the troop movements and raise the alert by sending Paul Revere ahead to distribute the alternative media news about the advancing military. The British are met at Lexington and Concord bridge by colonial irregulars who are mowed down by superior British weaponry and military tactics. The insurgency spreads in reaction to the British heavy-handedness. On their return march to Boston, militiamen snipe at the British redcoats from behind trees and boulders, decimating redcoat ranks. British generals bury their casualties in America, however, rather than let Englishmen see the returning caskets. King George, while vacationing at his Spring palace, hosts a party for the aristocrats of the empire and goes Fox hunting. During the hunt King George falls off his horse.

1775 -- King George, vacationing on his yacht on the Thames, issues a royal proclamation declaring that the American Colonies are in a state of insurrection. The Black Prince, Lord Karl, the Marquis of Rove, plants a rumor with the royal press corps that the colonials are preparing to send small pox infested blankets on ships back to England, thus causing a biowarfare epidemic. Royal reporters, Dame Judith Miller and Sir Robt. de Novac, dutifully spread the rumor in the London press. In reality, however, it was the British who had used small pox infested blankets in North America years before in order to eradicate the Native peoples. This story is nowhere reported in the British corporate media. Meanwhile, France declares that it might lend its support to the American Colonies. King George responds by stating that France is either with us or against us, and, therefore, France is as much a terrorist state as the American colonies.

1776 -- Thomas Paine issues his pamphlet “Common Sense” calling for American independence from Britain. In response, King George sends an immense fleet of warships to the colonies to occupy all the major ports in support of this “noble cause.” A gathering of colonials sign a Declaration of Independence, stating that when government becomes oppressive, it is the peoples' duty to rise up and overthrow it. King George, vacationing at his Summer palace, declares the Declaration of Independence to be a terrorist manifesto and warns that anyone who articulates such unpatriotic thoughts will be arrested, hung, drawn and quartered, and their corpses subsequently put on trial for treason. Shortly afterward, the king is kicked by a horse.

1776 -- General Howe leads a British military expedition to subdue the colonies. He predicts that the soldiers will be home in time for Christmas. Meanwhile, the colonial insurgent Nathan Hale is caught spying on British troops. He is executed without trial. His last words, allegedly that “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country,” are reported by the London press as, “I regret that I have lived a lie trying to destroy my country.” King George issues a press release stating that governing an empire is tiring work, wherefore he is taking a twelve-month vacation.

1777 -- The shadowy Colonial Congress meets and appoints George Washington as the Commander in Chief of the liberation army. In London, George Washington is labeled a religious fanatic, terrorist and baby-eater. Betsy Ross is commissioned to sew the first colonial flag. After she discards several rather tame prototype pennants, she produces what she regards as her masterpiece: a lime green, black, yellow and mauve flag with a large crescent moon, a sickle and sunflowers set against a backdrop of cod fish swimming in the azure sea. The Colonial Congress rejects Betsy Ross's flag proposal and burns it. She goes back to her sewing and eventually comes up with an acceptable design based on her mother's colorful bloomers. The stars and stripes are born. King George, recuperating at his summer vacation palace after a fall from a horse, declares that anyone seen carrying the insurgent flag of the colonies will be tarred and feathered.

1777 -- The French Marquis de Lafayette comes to America to assist the colonials' efforts to rid themselves of British occupation, as does the German general Von Steuben. King George, still vacationing at his summer palace, brands both France and Germany as terrorist states. He forbids the consumption of German beer or French wine in any British pub.

1778 -- Fighting intensifies in the American colonies. Thousands of colonial loyalists flee to Canada to escape the fighting in America. The price of whale oil increases. The British army issues stop-loss orders that prevent any foot soldiers from leaving the military. Thousands of mothers of conscripted soldiers begin to protest the war and march on Buckingham Palace demanding to know for what “noble cause” their sons have been sacrificed. King George, from his winter vacation palace, explains that he's a noble, and Lord Cheney is a noble, and so are all the members of his cabinet, “so there's your 'noble cause'.” Another horse bucks off King George. Upon hearing this news, the protesting veterans' mothers chant: “Buck George! Buck George!” Squire Anthony Bliar, the King's kennel master, sicks the royal hounds on the mothers and breaks up their demonstration.

1779 -- The British army begins to train a counter-insurgency army comprised of American loyalists. They also begin to foment religious tension between Catholics in Maryland, Protestants in New York and Quakers in Pennsylvania. A fifth-column led by Benedict Arnold seizes General Washington at his winter quarters and turns him in to the British. Washington is made to stand for a show trial at which he is convicted of chopping down his father's cherry tree. He is given a death sentence. The British appoint Benedict Arnold as the interim President of the American Colonies pending an “election”. Meanwhile, British counterinsurgency forces break up a cell of revolutionaries including Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Jay and John Adams. They are all sent to the royal penal colony in Georgia to serve life sentences without trial.

1780 -- As whale pods off the coast of New England are fished to extinction, oil prices climb by leaps and bounds. Due to increased burning of whale oil, the world's oceans begin to warm and the climate to change. Coastal storms begin to increase in frequency and severity. There is drought in England. A massive fire burns the poorer sections of London to the ground and thousands die. From his vacation home, recovering from another fall off a horse, King George says that peak whale oil is a myth, as is global warming. He offers condolences, but no assistance to the poor victims of the fire. Instead, King George recommends that the English go shopping.

1781 -- Prime Minister Lord Cheney encourages the American colonies to adopt a new constitution, helpfully drafted for the colonials in London. The new draft constitution preserves America as a royal colony subject to the Crown, establishes the Church of England as America's state religion, officially relegates women to the role of homemakers and child-bearers, and makes America a permanent military protectorate of the British empire.

1782 -- American insurgents boycott the constitutional referendum and elections called by the British. Nevertheless, Buckingham Palace declares that the draft constitution and new President Benedict Arnold have been voted in by 99.96% of the 100 colonials qualified to vote in the election. The Americans demand a recount. The House of Lords stops the recounting of the ballots and King George tells the Americans to just get over it. Strangely, they do.

1783 -- Civil war erupts as Puritans battle Anglicans who battle Catholics. Everyone attacks the Quakers and the Native Americans. The colonies' slaves are caught in the crossfire. The great-great-grandfather of Martin Luther King declares that he has a dream, but he is gunned down by the colonials and the British before he can finish speaking. Soon, the colonies are Balkanized into thirteen separate squabbling Hobbesian states. The British East India and Sprawlmart Company is able to hunt down the last of the whales while the colonials fight among themselves.

1784 -- King George's neoconservative cabinet rewrites the history of the American Insurgency (as it is now known) as a glorious triumph of monarchy over creeping democracy. As the last drop of whale oil burns away, the lights go out.

The End

Zbignew Zingh can be reached at This Article is CopyLeft, and free to distribute, reprint, repost, sing at a recital, spray paint, scribble in a toilet stall, etc. to your heart’s content, with proper author citation. Find out more about Copyleft and read other great articles at

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