THIS IS IT! THE SALE OF A
After four years,
BushMart is going out of business!
Everything MUST GO by November 3rd
because we have LOST OUR LEASE and NEW MANAGEMENT IS TAKING OVER!
Here are just some of our in-stock
items that we are selling at once-in-a-lifetime clearance prices:
First Strike Brand Safety Matches.
These matches strike first time, every time anywhere around the globe. You
don't even need a reason - just use your First Strike Brand matches to start
a regional conflagration wherever the mood strikes you. Great for starting
Neocon Bar-B-Q fires at Middle Eastern cook-outs, and in France.
9-11 All Purpose Liquid Cleaner.
No American household should be without this super-duper, political cleaner
with the Neocon top secret formula. No matter what filthy secret you have on
your conscience, no matter what dirt you have tracked into the White House,
no matter what lies you have repeatedly told to obscure the truth, 9-11's
patented, deep memory cleansing ingredients will make you forget everything,
leaving your sense of patriotism clean, sweet-smelling and antiseptic.
Excellent for removing blood and oil from hands and clothing. Has the dog
dragged in a prisoner, or a piece of a prisoner, from Abu Ghraib or
Guantanamo's Camp X-Ray? One squirt of 9-11 All Purpose Liquid Cleaner will
obliterate that nasty spot so that not a single corporate news network will
notice the stain. All bottles of 9-11 All Purpose Liquid Cleaner are for
sale at half price to Republican politicians who can apply it liberally and
often to make their soiled agenda look spotlessly clean.
BushWipes. Strong, but
compassionate facial and bathroom tissue products, BushWipes are made from
100% post-consumer Republican Convention speeches. Man-sized triple strength
BushWipe facial tissues are just what your runny nose needs when you have
the flu or the sniffles from being left out in the political cold for so
many years. BushWipe bathroom tissues are soft and absorbent and they come
in large economy-sized rolls for an economy that's in the toilet. BushWipes
have premium quilted patterns of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights
embossed on them.
BugOff, the most
effective pest repellent sold in America. Originally designed for use in the
Soviet Union for eliminating dissent, a few squirts of BugOff can
squash pesky street demonstrations and political demonstrations like ants.
Recommended by New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. BugOff goes to
the source of political opposition and arrests the nasty varmints before
they ever get a chance to crawl out of their free speech zones and into your
line of vision. Why worry about being bugged by those pesky little
protesters with their obnoxious little signs? Spray BugOff on your streets
and homes and enjoy a quiet, peaceful, dissent-free American life.
Arnie's Toothpaste and Mouth Wash.
This is the brand all the Republican talking heads use to brighten their
breath and their smiles. Even if everything that comes out of your mouth
reeks of medievalism and decay, even when you haven't said anything
intelligent, Arnie's oral hygiene products can make your mouth look and seem
completely healthy. Do you have cavities in your plans for world empire? Do
your resource consumption habits give you halitosis that makes people cringe
when you give speeches about 'democracy'? Are there little pieces of chewed
up third world children stuck in between your teeth? Arnie's Toothpaste and
Mouth Wash are the answers to your needs. No girlie man ingredients like
fluoride, peppermint and spearmint – Arnie's oral health products are made
with growth hormones, steroids, testosterone, steel ball bearings, Uzi shell
casings, depleted uranium and granulated environmentalists. Arnie's
Toothpaste is guaranteed to help you look like the vigorous, toothy,
well-meaning politician that you are not. A quick gargle with Arnie's Mouth
Wash covers up the most horrible odors that escape from your mouth and makes
your every neo-fascist utterance seem wholesome, all-American and minty
Clear Channel Digital Radios.
BushMart is selling these popular personal radios at unheard of prices!
Slightly defective Clear Channel Digital Radios can only be tuned to receive
one radio station signal. But thanks to the FCC, soon there will be only one
radio station anywhere. Why waste your money buying reception power you
won't need? These digital radios come in Red, White and Blue candy-striped
colors and include a free ear bud that helps filter out unamerican news and
propaganda. Made in various Third World Free Trade Zones by slave laborers.
Powell's Plumber's Helper.
Available in jumbo sized containers, every nation's household needs a bottle
of Powell's Plumber's Helper to dissolve troublesome blockages in your
diplomatic pipes. False yellowcake allegations jamming up your plumbing?
Unable to keep willing partners in your coalition pipelines? Promises about
weapons of mass destruction plugging up the drain? Pour Powell's Plumber's
Helper down the gutter and quickly unblock your pipes. Made from
environmentally unfriendly ingredients.
Eau du Terror after shave by
Karl Rové. This is a Man's scent. Carefully crafted from Islamic fear
pheromones produced under torture in secret American prison camps, this is
the after-shave for the 21st Century Man who wants to make a statement about
his unrelenting xenophobia. Fresh, clean, as invigorating as bombing an
Afghan village into the Stone Age. Eau du Terror cools western guilt,
refreshes your sense of Christian Superiority, maintains your tension and
feelings of insecurity 24 hours a day. American women love this cologne's
bracing male smell of action, reaction and preemptive action. Available in
pump mister, roll on applicator or just break the glass bottle over the bar
and drink it straight.
Zell's Zig Zag Zorries. Brightly
colored plastic shower slippers designed to be worn on the opposite feet.
Especially manufactured for the man who tends to stumble back and forth
between political parties. Available in
Extra Big Foot Sizes for putting into Extra Big Mouths. Zig Zag Zorries –
the footwear for the hyper-active politician who tends to zig zag from right
to left and right again.
Allawi's Air Freshener. Perfect
for hanging from your rear-view mirror, Allawi's pine-scented Air Freshener
will camouflage the reek of death and destruction and make everything smell
forest clean. Created by America's favorite Iraqi Quisling, Ayad Allawi, for
sanitizing his own history of collaboration with Saddam Hussein, the CIA and
MI5, Allawi's Air Freshener wicks away the stench of burned body parts and
cluster bombs. It leaves behind the illusion of clean, fresh air. Compare
prices with Lady MacBeth's “All the Perfumes of Arabia” for removing the
scent of blood.
Oil of OyVeh. The perfect skin
cream for relieving scaly, wrinkled skin dried out by firing automatic
weapons at unarmed Palestinians. Oil of OyVeh covers blemishes in your soul,
hides blind spots in your ethos and smooths that guilty conscience that
comes from behaving as rottenly as the people you condemn. Not tested on
animals, only on sub-humans. Recommended by Ariel Sharon as the secret
ointment that keeps him looking and feeling so young and vital.
Rice-A-Loonie Instant Democracy.
For quick-cooking “democracy”, whip up a mess of Rice-A-Loonie and persuade
the people that this, not Weapons of Mass Destruction, is why America has
occupied the Middle East. Just pour one box of Instant Democracy into a
barrel of sweet Iraqi crude oil, season lightly with 20,000 dead Iraqi
civilians and 8,000 dead or wounded American soldiers, add a sprinkle of
depleted uranium, salt with the tears of widowed wives and orphaned
children, bring to a civil war boil and dump onto the taxpayer's plate. One
box of Instant Democracy serves the principal shareholders of several
hundred multi-national corporations. Available in various spicy flavors
including Iranian, Syrian, Cuban and Venezuelan “Instant Democracy.”
Grover Norquist Bubble Bath.
This is the bubble bath formula designed by the ultra right wing of the
Republican Party to drown the federal government once they have shrunk it by
cutting off all funding for everything except the Pentagon. Norquist's
Bubblebath makes drowning the government fun for the misanthropic child that
lurks in everyone. Not recommended for people who depend on Medicare,
Medicaid, Social Security, the Post Office, public schools, public
utilities, public libraries, public transportation, the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Food and Drug Administration, the EEOC, the FAA or
the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Super Patriot® Car Wax and Polish.
Put that extra special Super Patriot®shine on your gas slurping SUV. After
we enter our post-peak oil energy descent, that immobile four ton steel
behemoth perma-parked in your driveway will proudly sparkle and shine in
front of your house along with the rest of your lawn furniture, plaster
statues, pink flamingos and American flags. So when gasoline gets too
expensive to even drive yourself to the filling station, Super Patriot®wax
and polish will make your mirror-shiny SUV the still-life envy of the
Cheney's 24 Hour Decongestant and
Cough Suppressor. This is the season when people are coming down with
the political flu. Cheney's 24 Hour Decongestant and Cough Suppressor helps
prevent sick, poor, or unemployed people from sneezing or coughing in your
presence by knocking them down below the media's line of vision. Helps to
keep you and America healthy by suppressing all signs of dissent or
criticism. Lets America sleep soundly while all over the world people are
suffering from sore, scratchy throats caused by shouting protests against
us. Available in liquid, capsule or television administered doses. Take in
conjunction with Greenspan's Valio-Econo-Happy Pills to create that
unreal, illusory healthy economy feeling whenever your nose even gets a
tickle of bad times coming. Cheney's 24 Hour Decongestant and Cough
Suppressor and Greenspan's Valio-Econo-Happy Pills are both on sale at
BushMart at low, low, low never before seen prices. No purchase limit on
these close-out items.
Special: Halloween Costumes! Buy
these old steeply discounted costumes left over from Halloweens past!
They're still as frightening for this year as they were decades ago when
they were first sold during the Reagan administration! Very scary John
Negroponte Outfits complete with red mask, accessory head horns and
forked tails. Originally worn during his ambassadorship to Honduras during
its tortured dark ages, Negroponte Outfits are equally suitable for scaring
people now that he is America's ambassador to Iraq. Rumsfeld Fake Teeth!
Fanged and fluted Dracula teeth for sucking the life out of Reservists,
National Guardsmen and Minority Enlistees in the army. Sure to scare the
bejeezers out of soccer moms who see Rummy coming to eat their sons and
daughters in the post-election Draft! Neocon Zombie Heads! Your
choice of Elliot Abrams, Paul Wolfowitz, Henry Kissinger, Richard Perle,
Douglas Feith, Richard Armitage, or John Bolton! Frightening favorites
once considered too crazy to govern, the sight of these ghoulish, lunatic
asylum costumes will make any normal human being tremble with fear.
Sorry. No BushMart Discount or
Executive Pardon Cards may be used for this Going Out of Business Sale. All
Sales Are (we sincerely hope) FINAL! Everything is sold 'as
is' – no refunds EVER! Cash sales not permitted. BushMart stores only sell
on REVOLVING CREDIT. Buy now and let future generations of Americans pay
your bills forever!
* Do you have other Wonderful Products
that BushMart should unload at its Going Out of Business Sale? Contact
and indicate whether you want (dis)credit by way of your initials next to
your suggestion. Sorry, no scatology, profanity, incitement to violence or
Zbignew Zingh can be reached at
Zbig@ersarts.com. This Article is CopyLeft, and free to distribute,
reprint, repost, sing at a recital, spray paint, scribble in a toilet stall,
etc. to your heart’s content, with proper author citation. Find out more
about Copyleft and read other great articles at
Articles by Zbignew Zingh
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