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Column Right
A Real American Boy Hero Weighs in on the Debate
by Jolene Fystenbutt
October 2, 2004

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While the far left liberal media was celebrating John Kerry's 'victory' over George W. Bush in the debates, REAL Americans (not to be confused with the French speaking minority who would like to see 'old Europe' run things in this country) knew better than to applaud the glib Senator's well-scripted litany of lies and ivory tower babble. If you don't believe me, just ask Corporal Jarvis Whitehead of the something-or-other infant division who sent me this delightful e-mail after watching the debates from his mess tent inside Baghdad's environmentally friendly Green Zone. Debate all you like, but you can't argue with Cpl Jarvis's opinion that our President is the only one to lead our country now and forever.


Dear Mrs. Fistynbutt,

Dont' you start beleiviningthe far left libberl media when they say that John Kerrey won the debate. I didnt' see it but I heared Rush on the radio and he said after he got a french translater in to translate Kereys' french into englesh it wuz clear there wusnt' a purplle heart bandaid big enoff to cover his big fat lyeing french mouth. Hey, I got my webcam turnd on if you want too .....

As you may have guessed, I may not know a whole lot about military matters, but I think it's super - just super, that young men like Cpl. Whitehead are defending our freedoms and delivering little Iraqi babies so they don't have to grow up seeing their veiled mothers being thrown into wood chippers and used as big, hooded toys in Saddam's rape rooms. So a big shout out to him and his whole infant division. I'm sure you're all with me when I say I'm just glad he's safe there in the 'Green Zone'. Maybe the tree huggers who moan everytime our brave lumberjacks go into a forest so that American school children have pencils and paper, should spend a few days there themselves, savoring the sights and sounds of freedom. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Iraq just one big, oil-belching desert before we went in there and air-conditioned the place? Well, Cpl. Whitehead, thanks to you and your brave sacrifices, we're all breathing a little easier tonight.

Oh, I know what some of you may be saying to yourselves: "Jolene, you're a super mom and a five star wife, but what do you know about politics"? Maybe very little, but as a mom, I know a thing or two about security. I know it's not enough to have airbags in your car if your leader is the kind of guy who paroles rapists after they serve just three days of their sentences. It's not enough to insist that your child wear a bicycle helmet if you have a leader who is soft on terrorism. And what's the point of putting chains on your snow tires in winter if the leader of the Free World is asking Socialists in Europe how to run our country?

Oh, I know what you're thinking: "Jolene, you live in one of the most enviable neighborhoods in America. Gosh, the average home in your peaceful gated community costs well over a million smackeroos. What makes you think the terrorists would attack such a quiet, wholesome community such as yours". Well, the first part is true, I have to admit. If a terrorist was to come lurking around here, looking for something to blow up, he would be distracted by our well-appointed lawns, our dazzling swimming pools, our gleaming mall, and the yummy roasty smell that comes with having four Starbucks on the first level alone. Driving by our churches, he might even think to himself, "Why God himself must live there, and all this time I was convinced He lived in some drafty, bullet strafed old mosque". If one of his wives happened to be with him, she'd think, "Gosh, look at all those adorable, well-scrubbed kids with their Playstations and i-pods". No doubt, she'd be hanging her veiled head in shame thinking of the twenty-six little martyrs she'd raised to blow up Israeli school buses. In case you're thinking that Jolene here is feeling sorry for the terrorists - think again. If this couple tried to move in next door, you can bet their Welcome Wagon lady would 'welcome' them with the butt end of her assault weapon, and not even offer them two-for-one coupons for Appleby's, or even a single sample of lavender potpourri.

OK, I admit it, I didn't watch the debates. As a stay at home mom of three beautiful, unaborted children, I simply don't have the time to follow politics - not with three Ritalin prescriptions to pick up all in the same day. And wouldn't you know it, our cleaning lady, Consuela's one week old daughter chose that day to catch pneumonia, leaving me to entertain the children myself. People always say to me, "Jolene, how on earth do you do it"? I tell them, as long as there's a God-fearing man in the Whitehouse, I have no reason to fear in my own house". And knowing that Laura Bush feels exactly the same way, gives me the strength and courage to get through the day on just a handful of Valium.

But this time I didn't even need my husband Hamm to tell me what every other right thinking American realized after watching our Commander-in-chief defend himself (and this nation) against a smooth-talking, forked-tongued, wife-swapping, twice married (talk about flip-flopping) Senator. I know George W. will keep me and my family safe - John Kerry will try to tear it apart with tax hikes and homosexual marriages. I don't care that he's promised to go into Iraq and kill all the terrorists himself with his own bare teeth, Christian voters want someone annointed by God Almighty himself to take on the Muslims of the world before they blow up our babies on our own front lawns.

Snide leftwing atheists are no doubt having a field day, picking apart our stalwart commander's humble, 'plain as folks' way of speaking his heart to the American people. It seems they have forgotten that our Saviour Himself filled his sermons with 'thee' and 'thou' and all kinds of crazy mixed up words that sometimes I can't even understand. Still, Satan himself, master of all the world's languages, was no match for our Lord Jesus. John Kerry may have won a battle of words, but his victory is being applauded by terrorists the world over. For that reason, I am celebrating our Presiden'ts 'defeat'. Amen.

-- Corporal Jarvis Whitehead
United States Marines
Bagdad, Eyerack

Jolene Fystenbutt is a renowned Christian commentator and self-described "Security Mom." Dissident Voice, in its efforts at "fair and balanced" reporting, is proud to welcome her to these pages. Ms. Fistynbutt can be reached at: