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Republican National Committee Convention Schedule
New York, New York, 2004
May 24, 2004

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6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)

6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing

6:46 PM Seminar #1 "Getting your kid a military deferment"

7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong

7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries

7:40 PM EPA Address #1: "Mercury, it's what's for dinner"

8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos are after your children"

8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)

8:50 PM Seminar #2 "Corporations: The government of the future"

9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"

9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong

9:10 PM EPA Address #2 "Trees: The real cause of forest fires"

9:30 PM Break for secret meetings

10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas

10:15 PM Lecture by Carl Rove: "Doublespeak made easy"

10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho

10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare.

10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt

10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans

10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong

10:50 PM Seminar #3 "Education: a drain on our nation's economy"

11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Piņata

11:20 PM Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: "Evolutionists: The dangerous new cult"

11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again.

11:35 PM Blame Clinton

11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies

11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself

12: 00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord