Leaked Classified Memo
by Ductape Fatwa

March 1, 2004

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Dear Messrs. Tenet and Cheney,

Attached please find the results of our latest and we believe, our most impressive, effort to provide the Occupation Forces a credible Osama bin Laden in time for the fall launch of your new automated vote "tally" system. We understand the new system is modeled on the manual process that has been employed so successfully in Egypt for many years, and we would like to extend our congratulations to the Diebold company for this significant contribution to democracy.

To return to the subject at hand, you will notice that all the gentlemen included in this latest lot are of the required height, and we apologize for the inclusion in a previous submission of a few who fell short of this specification. We regret any inconvenience our error may have caused.

You will also note that each specimen has been fitted with state of the art contact lenses, and provided with either chemical hair color or implants, whichever was most appropriate in the individual case. We have also taken the precaution of treating the specimens with a dual process melanin-enhancement process, consisting of daily full-body treatments in the sunbeds installed in our finest 5 star hotels in Karachi, and for additional quality assurance we have coated each specimen with the universally recognized tan enhancer, in order to bring all skin tones into spec compliance.

We have also taken care to assure correct and natural-looking facial hair in both configuration and coloring.

As per our agreement, each specimen comes dressed in a fashionable but conservative swim trunk or unitard, and all costume selections will be billed and shipped separately.

While it is true that we were unable to secure a reputable Yemeni source, we are aware that the United States and Norway have a long-standing and cordial history of both trade and diplomatic relations, and we believe that both you and Agent. bin Laden will be pleasantly surprised and extremely pleased with the results we have been able to obtain with these Norwegian specimens.

Naturally, we would have preferred to work with a domestically available raw resource, but unfortunately, the height requirement as stated in the purchase order was incompatible with the relatively short stature of most Pakistanis, with the exception of the Balochs, of course, but believe us, you don't want to go there.

As always, it is a pleasure to do business with you and we look forward to working with you to insure a festive and successful Spring Offensive.


Lieutenant General Ehsan ul Haq
Inter-Services Intelligence

DuctapeFatwa is reported to be an earth resident who can be reached at DuctapeFatwa@yahoo.com






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