The National Rifle Association announced today that it would open up a field office in downtown Baghdad, one of four Iraq offices it hopes to establish before years end. Other offices are slated for Fallujah, Najaf, Basra and Tikrit (Saddam's former hometown and stronghold).
It's been reported by people in the know and from high-unnamed sources that President Bush, VP Cheney, and Supreme Court Justice Scalia recently went duck and pheasant hunting with Sheik Ali Sadi-Ali Sadr in the barren deserts on the border region between Syria and Iraq. The trip was sponsored by the National Rifle Association and paid for with private donations from right wing, ultra conservative, Republican organizations masquerading as new Christian churches that have been sprouting up throughout every state in the nation.
The 38 churches that the Catholic Boston Archdiocese recently had to close and sell because of the "pedophile problem" are being snapped up at bargain basement prices by Methodists, Baptists, Presbyterians, Lutherans, Calvinists, Mormons, Evangelicals, and Fundamentalists. An NRA spokesman said, "these religious nuts really like guns. This is going to be great for our membership drive and great for President Bush".
An extensive, grassroots campaign is underway to sign up as many Iraqis as possible as new members in the NRA, in order to increase the NRA's clout in the currently conservative Republican U. S. Congress and the Senate. Most of the Ba'ath Party regulars, the many religious militias, the Kurds, the Sunnis, the Shi'ites and the Mujahadeen all expressed an interest in becoming card carrying members of the NRA. "We like guns." "We like Booosh." We love Americans." "We like to shoot." "Allah is Great." "Booosh is Great." "Guns are Great." "Killing is Great," one crowd shouted and chanted. "But down with the Christians," one Iraqi yelled.
A spokesman for the NRA said that "it makes perfect sense, and it's crucial for the freedom and liberty of the Iraqi people. Iraqis need an outlet to vent and guns are a good way of getting rid of stress and tension that can build up after a hard day of doing nothing in the desert."
In a rare departure from its longstanding support for President Bush the NRA claims that it is wrong for the U.S. Army to be disarming militias in Iraq. Iraqi's have the right to "keep and bear arms", just like Americans. "If President Bush continues to disarm Iraqi citizens and innocent insurgents we may not endorse him in the 2004 campaign. We don't think it's fair that President Bush has confiscated Saddam Hussein's personal pistol and gets to keep it as a souvenir, while he denies ordinary Iraqis the right to keep guns".
When asked about the terrorist groups like the Mujahadeen that wear black ski masks and black pajama uniforms the NRA said, "we really don't get into wardrobe or uniform issues. If Iraqis want to wear masks, black pajamas, or turbans and clerics robes in the hot desert that's their business."
A spokesperson for the NRA went on to elaborate that "if the U.S. Army and the U.S. Marines are allowed to wear uniforms, and helmets, and flak jackets and shoot guns in Iraq, then Iraqis themselves, who were there in Iraq first, before us, should have the same rights. It's their Constitutional right. We'll bring it all the way to the Supreme Court if we have to. Even if they don't have a Supreme Court."
"If Iraqi clerics want to form gun enthusiast clubs and have weekly meeting in mosques it's their business. We shouldn't be interfering. Guns aren't inherently bad. It's the people that use guns for bad reasons that are the problem," a spokesman for the NRA said.
The Public Relation Director of the National Rife Association confirmed that the NRA was seriously considering having its 2005 annual convention in downtown Baghdad, possibly at one of Saddam's palaces or at a bombed out convention center. "It will bring us closer to our fellow Iraqi comrades-in-arms, and with all the gunfire going on it will add a sense of realism to our convention," the NRA Director said. "We want it to be fun as well as educational."
"Besides", the NRA spokesman said, "the only reason that Iraqi religious leaders hide all their weapons in mosques and holy religious sites is because it is a good hiding place. Freedom of Religion is important to the Iraqi people, as long as you worship the religion that they pick for you, you know, the one with the most guns and weapons."
Fallujah Shi'ite insurgent cleric Sheik Al-Bani Al-Sadr Majji, when asked what he thought of the NRA said that it was one of his favorite American organizations. The Sheik said, "I used to be a member of the NRA right after I graduated from M.I.T., before I decided to become an insurgent cleric in Iraq. The NRA has a fine group of Americans in it. We can work with them. President Boooosh should stop trying to attack our churches, mosques, and holy sites to kill and capture us and take our guns away. It's not the American way."
When asked if the National Rifle Association would support Iraq having weapons of mass destruction the President of the NRA said, "we really don't get into the biological, chemical, and nuclear stuff. They are not good for killing small field animals like raccoons and beaver, and the NRA has never taken a stand on ownership of atomic bombs. If some Iraqi cleric wants to keep an atomic bomb in the privacy of his own mosque for his own personal use, it's really none of the governments business. Maybe it comes under the authority of the NRC, the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. They handle atomic bombs issues."
The President of the NRA issued a statement endorsing the right of all Iraqis to carry pistols, automatic rifles, machine guns mounted in the back of pickup trucks, and rocket propelled grenade launchers. The NRA emphasized that it did not support the use or personal ownership of car bombs, since they can't be aimed at anyone in particular and they are not well adapted for killing deer, rabbits or squirrels. Mortars were also not on the approved list of weapons that the NRA would endorse. "We'll leave mortars to the military", the NRA pronounced.
When asked if Iraq wasn't too dangerous for the NRA to be establishing a presence in, a spokesperson replied, "No, not at all, it's never been proven that a single Iraqi, nor has a single American, been injured or killed by anyone using guns and rifles in a responsible manner."
James Boyne is a freelance, political satirical writer who is a frequent contributor to well know newspapers and web sties. He regularly writes for many Progressive organizations. He is a former lifelong staunch, conservative Republican who has voted for Eisenhower, Nixon, Goldwater, Ford, Reagan, Bush Sr. and Bush Jr. He currently supports Dennis Kucinich for President and would support anyone other than George Bush in 2004. He can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
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