Question
#1: How many of you believe in the whole virgin
birth/god-sent-his-son-to-save-us theory?
Question #2: How many of you believe in
UFOs?
Sit tight ... I'm going somewhere with this.
So, if you believe there's life on other planets and you believe there's
a god who sent his son to earth, who did this god send to the other
planets to save them (assuming those planets are also chock full of
sinners)? Is Jesus rocketing all over the solar system or does G-d have
other kids? Better question: Is the Almighty doing the whole virgin
birth thing on other planets or is someone actually getting laid out
there in the universe?
Here's the best question of all: If an omnipotent god wanted to spread
his message and save his people, why did he send his son to Bethlehem in
the Year Zero? Call me crazy, but I'm thinking if he set up Jesus in a
Times Square office with a laptop and a wireless connection, well ...
you get the idea. Let's face it; dumping the messiah into a manger in a
small town in Palestine some 2,000 years ago ain't exactly the type of
decision an omnipotent being would make. I mean, I'm reaching more
people on-line in one day than Jesus met in his entire life.
Hmm ... that gives me an idea.
What if I told you (and anyone who'll listen) that Jesus was talking to
me through my computer? You know the drill, a suburban housewife claims
to see Jesus in her toaster and the Mel Gibson crowd lines up outside
her door for miles just to see it. Funny how it works, huh? America is
blowing up babies in Iraq but Jesus chooses to appear in a kitchen
appliance in Levittown. Talk about "mysterious ways."
Anyway, if I were persistent enough and sincere enough, it just might
work. (Believe me, after 12 years of Catholic school, I can talk the
talk.) Imagine this: I get the 700 Club viewers to buy into my
story that the son of god is chatting with me through my computer. Then,
once the Jesus freaks are on my side, the politicians can't fuck with
me. Nobody challenges a prophet, right? (Ain't that so, Mr. Koresh?)
That's when the fun begins. Once I achieve prophet status, I get
myself interviewed by Larry King and 60 Minutes and Oprah and I
tell the world that Jesus is not exactly thrilled with landmines,
depleted uranium, and daisy cutters. The IMF and WTO and World Bank and
NAFTA? All the work of the devil. Stuff like strip malls and strip
mining: positively satanic. In fact, capitalism was created in the
depths of hell right alongside the U.S. military budget and Bill
O'Reilly.
Imagine how famous I'd be. Maybe then, I'd finally write a book that
sells.
So, whaddya think?
Mickey Z.
is the author of several books, most recently 50
American Revolutions You're Not Supposed to Know (Disinformation
Books). He can be found on the Web at:
www.mickeyz.net.
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