the first calls for impeachment circulating in Congress and across the
country, President George W. Bush and his advisors met in Washington over
the weekend to map a defense based on the so-called "idiot defense,"
sometimes referred to as the "I was out of the loop" method of shifting
blame to others.
Under this plan,
Bush will come clean with the American people and tell them that he didn't
have any idea of what was going on; he didn't give orders for spying,
doesn't know about where the reports on WMD in Iraq came from, or why FEMA
didn't act sooner, or why various unpopular initiatives were put forth by
his administration during the past several years.
A key part of the strategy is for Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, the GOP
leadership in the House and Senate, and the Republican Over-Centralized
Committee to enter plea bargains, which would allow them to get away with
fines of $50 and the loss of their privileges to the White House's
In a feverish attempt to hold off criminal hearings on his performance as
president, Bush will make appearances in major cities around Texas,
including Houston, Podunk, and El Dunceio. By invoking 9/11, victory in
Iraq and claiming that he knew nothing about tax cuts for the wealthy,
secret meetings between Cheney and the oil conglomerates, or the funding
of the new Medicare drug addiction program for the pharmaceutical
industry, Bush hopes to convince born-again fundamentalists that he didn't
know a thing.
"Most leaders of countries don't know what's going on in their countries,"
Bush told cadets at the Soldiers for Christ Academy in Corruption, Wyoming
last week. "You can't expect me to take responsibility for crimes that
this bunch of neo-con hucksters pulled off; I had no idea what they were
Although legal experts say this as a risky strategy, it's been used
successfully by top executives charged with corporate fraud. By claiming
to be "ignoramuses," executives made more money. The "I was a dummy"
defense, didn't work for Bernie Ebbers of WorldCom or Johnny Rigas of
Adelphia, but it did work for Richard Scrushy of HealthSouth, who stole
hundreds of millions and claimed that he had no idea the company's stock
The president may be able to hold off impeachment proceedings by calling
on his best friend, Ken Lay, former CEO of Enron, for advice on how to put
off a trial: Lay's trial for siphoning off $220 million from Enron is
expected to begin early in 2086. Lay's defense rests partly upon his claim
that "they're picking on me and I didn't do anything," but his legal team
blames top Enron executives for paying Lay too much money.
While legal experts have been unable to piece together the details of
Enron's infractions, they expect Bush to rely upon executive privilege to
shield his activities from the public. The Garlic Press recently learned
that tapes secretly recorded in the White House reveal Bush claiming, "I'm
innocent just like Julius Seizure was back whenever."
"You know how presidential meetings go," said Scotty Whitewash, White
House spokesman. "One person says something and then something else. At
the end, everything is given to Dick (Cheney), who has connections with
some large corporations that know how to get things done."
Proving that the president knows anything may be impossible. Bush
has repeatedly told the media that he doesn't read or watch TV and that
his wife, Laura, usually keeps him abreast of Washington's affairs. Her
main sources of information is Rush Limbaugh's radio broadcast, "I'm a Big
Fat Idiot," and Pat Robertson's TV show, "700 Slights and Arrows."
Robertson has come under attack recently for advocating the assassination
of Santa Claus and claiming that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's
stroke was the result of "getting his fat hand caught in the cookie jar."
Foreign policy experts hope to make a coherent statement about
the president's policies that will prove that he knew what was going on in
the country. "We've been trying to make sense out of statements the
president made during his morning briefings, but so far we're flummoxed,"
said one advisor. "We're not sure some of the words the president uses
exist, and if they do, what they mean."
Last week the president invited a group of prominent bankers to the White
House to celebrate the third year in a row of record banking profits and
promised that he would get to the bottom of any hearings, "because I'm the
president." Bankers appeared perplexed and disoriented as they headed for
a meeting with the vice president to clarify their meeting with the
"The president either said 'I can't hear what anyone is saying when
everyone talks at once,' or 'I can't understand anything,'" said one
banker after the meeting. "I think Bush's only hope is to blame it on his
dog, Scotty, as in, 'my dog ate my homework.' Americans love this type of
folksy approach to impeachment."
is an Aptos,
California-based writer who follows politics. He can be reached at:
Other Articles by Don
Working Conditions Lead to Better Economy