Wanted to Buy: One Osama action toy. Needed for 2004 election year October surprise party. Will pay extra for mint condition, but will purchase even if limbs or head missing. Must not come with original American CIA packaging. Contact GW Bush, c/o Caretaker, the White House, Wash. DC.
Exchange/Trade: Will exchange/trade one Democratic Party Membership Card for one Republican Party Membership Card. Must be willing to do swap after November presidential elections. Contact Joe Lieberman, c/o Box 999, DLC.
For Sale: Former independent nation of Iraq. Satisfaction guaranteed. Used only by old, has-been dictator to meet with putative terrorists on Sundays. Slightly damaged, but oil pipelines sometimes function well. Needs economic engine work. Cost more than $87 billion new, but willing to sacrifice to loving buyer who can beat it into a compliant, docile, freedom-loving sycophantic colony. Plenty of restorative work already done... and undone, but no receipts available. Call Paul Bremmer, at the bomb shelter, Baghdad Sheraton Hotel, Baghdad.
Help Wanted: Position available as Democratic Party presidential candidate. Must be willing to walk, talk and look like a Republican. Only independently wealthy, patrician class candidates need apply. Must be willing to speak out of both sides of mouth simultaneously and give lip-service to labor, minority, women’s, environmental and public interests without intending to actually help them. Salary dependent upon experience and contributions raised from multinational corporations. The Democratic National Committee is an equal opportunity employer – however, Populists, Progressives, African-American women, African-American ministers, Greens, and the Democratic Wing of the Democratic Party need not apply.
Pet Adoption: Adorable Holstein cow available free to caring family. Makes great pet! “Downer” cow remains immobile and does not require large yard. Great pet for children. Eats grass, grain, growth hormones and protein supplements made from other ground up cows. Bonus! Can be eaten if it becomes ill and dies. Certified 100% safe by United States Department of Agriculture. Whole herds available by special order. Contact Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman c/o Department of Agriculture, Wash. DC.
Lost: Bag of dirty political tricks. Last used while “outing” CIA wife of former American ambassador to Niger. Bag of tricks has initial “KR” on outside and tell-tale Bush Administration fingerprints on handle. If found, call FOX, CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC, or PBS networks who will slavishly call the original owner and then squelch the story.
Missing: Weapons of Mass Destruction. Nuclear, Chemical, Germ and Biological weapons once believed to be located in Iraq. Now willing to pay large reward for proof of possible evidence of Iraqi subconscious thoughts about thinking about developing programs to test possibility of creating program for design of future weapons systems. In lieu of Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction am willing to pay large sums for cleverly planting same in Iraq, preferably before November 2004. For information call D. Cheney, (current mailing address unavailable).
For Sale: Saddam Hussein doubles, triples and quadruples. Only used for television appearances and to stage “capture” by Kurdish/American soldiers. All models look the same. Buy one or collect them all. Serious offers only. Seller is now comfortably ensconced in beach villa in Bahrain (pending show trial in Baghdad) after selling out country and no longer needs body doubles. For price information please contact Mr. S. H. c/o USAF HQ, Box Psy-Ops.
Trade/Exchange: American dollars available for trade or exchange. Prefer Euros, gold bullion, Japanese Yen or Chinese Renminbi, but will even take old Italian Lira. After flooding American economy with cheap, inflationary dollars in order to boost election chances of G W Bush, exchanger is willing to unload U.S. currency at fire sale prices. Contact Federal Reserve Bank for additional information.
House for Sale: Literally. Contact Tom De Lay for details. Senate also for sale. For information, contact Bill Frist. Large pharmaceutical companies, financial investment businesses, retailers and media conglomerates are invited to make sealed bids. No address or phone number necessary because serious buyers’ lobbyists will know who to contact, and how to do it discretely.
Wanted: Soul. Have lived entire life without one. Responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths in Vietnam, Cambodia, East Timor, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Colombia, and Chile. Pragmatic realpolitiker needs to acquire soul in order to avoid frying in Hell for all eternity. Any style or color soul will do, but double extra large size soul preferred to cover enormity of sins. Price negotiable. Submit offers in confidence to: Henry K., P.O. Box 1, International Court, The Hague, Netherlands.
Position Wanted: Former First Lady and current Senator seeks position as president of large, multinational empire. No relation to former U.S. president. Willing to sacrifice everyone and everything in order to satisfy personal ambition. Salary and power negotiable. Personal references available upon request. Box HRC, NY, NY.
Wanted: American language dictionary. Must have pictures and large letters. Dictionaries with alternative spellings and pronunciations preferred. Abridged dictionary OK, especially pocket sized with no big words and that will fit easily into cowboy’s pistol holster. Wanted mostly for show. Contact G. Bush at White House, Texas.
Missing: Menschlichkeit. Lost it in Middle East somewhere between 1948 and 1967. Recognizable by sense of sympathy, compassion, humanity and guilt. Must find in order to avoid having heart turn into stone. If found, return immediately to A. Sharon, West Bank, Palestine.
For Sale: America’s last wilderness. Pristine, beautiful, unspoiled. Ready for timber-harvesting and oil-drilling. Forests may be “thinned” to prevent fires. Wetlands may be paved and mountains leveled in the name of progress. Suitable for nuclear waste storage. No river too pure to pollute, no animals too rare to preserve. All bids considered, no price too low. Send offers in sealed envelopes to G. Norton, care of Secretary of the Interior, Wash. DC.
For Sale: Red suit, black leather boots, floppy cap, sleigh, team of reindeer (one with DUI conviction). Clothing fits extra fat-bellied, old and bearded male. Only worn once a year at Christmastime. Lost job when position out-sourced to India. Make offer. Also available, North Pole toy workshop closed for violating free trade rules of WTO, NAFTA and FTAA. Slightly soggy wetlands site due to melting ice caps. No labor contracts – all elves arrested by INS due to immigration problems and imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. If interested, contact Santa c/o Salvation Army Mission.
Lost: Free and independent news media. Last seen during the Vietnam War. Answers to the name of “Democracy”. May currently be wearing a choker dog collar and muzzle. Spotted recently on Main Street while being walked on a short leash. If found, please release immediately – it will find its own way home!
Exchange: Deity seeks to exchange failed human life form for something better. After several hundred thousand years, I have concluded that what I created is Pretty Damned Awful. Will consider wiping out current corrupted dominant species in flood, fire, earthquake, war or pandemic and starting out fresh with new attempt, like giant intelligent banana slugs or thought-enabled cockroaches. Alien and artificial intelligent life forms will also be considered. Candidate species for dominance exchange must not have capacity for self-destruction or demonstrate uncontrollable greed, pride, rapaciousness, hypocrisy, or stupidity. For inquiries contact God, wherever.
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