Help, help, help, dear Jesus! Those nasty secular liberal humanists are making war on Christmas. Jesus, please intercede, or if you are too busy then ask Mary if she can get your Daddy to do something quickly. Fox News, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, John Gibson, not to mention James Dobson, and Jerry Falwell all report Christmas is under assault.
Those secularists control the newspapers, radio, TV, our government, and our universities. When I go to the Christian Wal-Mart store to get my household supplies, even the clerk will only say Happy Holiday instead of Merry Christmas. We need legislators to pass a Constitutional amendment requiring everybody to say “Merry Christmas,” otherwise people might say “Happy Hanukkah” or “Happy Kwanzaa.” America has become so accommodating in its multiculturalism that Christians can’t even tell those who don’t believe in Jesus that they are going to Hell.
This war against Christmas has caught Christians by surprise. Thank the Lord for John Gibson of FOX News. His new book, The War On Christmas: How The Liberals Plot To Ban The Sacred Christmas Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought exposes the liberal Democrats’ anti-God strategies. What a coincidence that Gibson’s book should come out just in time for Christmas! Gibson’s foreknowledge of this liberal satanic plot must reflect God’s omniscience rather than a planned scheme of right-wing ideologues.
Thankfully, Jerry Falwell of Liberty University and James Dobson of Focus on the Family each are reported to have over 800 attorneys scouring the countryside looking to sue those who would hinder the use of the sacred name “Christmas”. I pray that God give them a special dispensation so that they can ignore Jesus’ teaching on being reconciled with your opponents (Mt 5: 21-26).
Moreover, certainly Jesus did not mean what He said about “if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also” (Mt 5:40). That could only apply to non-believers.
Of course, Christians should never have to forgive others, especially seventy times seven (Mt 18:21-22) unless it is the Christians who have done wrong and need forgiveness from each other.
“Christians must demand an apology when insulted,” declared Catholic League for Religion and Civil Rights President Bill Donohue. Christians should sue for damages whenever they have their feelings hurt. Though Jesus said, “Blessed are you when people insult you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me, rejoice and be glad” (Mt 5:11-12), one cannot be bothered with technicalities. With all the different bibles available, there must be a different translation.
It is a good thing courageous leaders like Falwell and Dobson have the foresight to manufacture threats of war. Fear mongering is a proven strategy. Karl Rove and Dick Cheney have proven that fear motivates, especially amongst Christians. After all, it was fear of Hell and the need for fire insurance that corralled them in the first place. Fear works every time.
The Taliban fundamentalists set a good example for Christians. To hell with the outdated Christmas message of “peace on earth, good will toward men.” If people don’t measure up to “our true” Christian standards then either put them in jail or shoot them. Christians must get respect, whatever way necessary. As President Bush said, “either you’re for us or against us.”
Christmas can never be too worldly! Now that corporate America and fundamentalist Christianity have merged under the GOP banner, they can proudly demand the same grandstanding privileges. Jesus called it “practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them… sound a trumpet… when you pray… stand on the street corners so you may be seen of men” (Mt 6:1– 7). Make sure everyone knows how religious we are cause only religious people are moral. Then all the ungrateful reprobates will repent and be good disciples like us.
The coup d’etat is almost complete. Corporate America, the FOX-like media, and the fundamentalist owned GOP have seduced religious-minded America. What better way to excite gullible Christians, amass more offerings, and generate corporate earnings than a fabricated war on Christmas? At the next FOX board meeting after Christmas, O’Reilly, Gibson, and Hannity can join CEO Rupert Murdoch and their GOP legislative lackeys in singing, “What a friend we have in Jesus.”
Lee Salisbury is a former evangelical preacher, founder of the Critical Thinking Club of Minnesota, and writes for www.axisoflogic.com and www.dissendentvoice.org.
Other Articles by Lee Salisbury
Schizophrenia Pandemic, George Bush and His Fundamentalist God