are the dog days of August, and the Bush Administration held its annual
summer picnic and barbeque last week at the President's ranch in Crawford,
Texas. The guests kicked off their shoes, loosened their ties, unbuttoned
their brown shirts, forgot for the moment about world conflagrations,
torture, extreme rendition, diseases, domestic and geopolitical intrigue,
and gathered around for an all American cook-out.
As the Bush family
led their guests in patriotic song and revelry and the roasting of
marshmallows over a napalm fire-pit, the august gathering shared their
favorite culinary recipes with the author.
W's Caesar Salad: According to the First Lady, this is her
husband's favorite summer appetizer. A heaping bowl of perchlorate-laced
lettuce tossed with an unfertilized raw egg, lemon juice, pork barrel
bacon, campaign contribution vinaigrette, 100% virgin oil from Iraq,
capers (from when W was ostensibly serving in the Texas Air National
Guard), and a garnish of pretzels.
Karl Rove's Plame Pudding: Drop one CIA agent's identify and
her husband's reputation into a bowl containing three sycophantic
newspaper columnists, add artificially flavored yellow cake mix from
Niger, whip into a froth, add a smidgeon of truth, a dollop of
dissimulation, then spin in a blender on “high”; spin and spin and spin
some more for several weeks. Leave unrefrigerated for a year until the
gooey mess ferments and begins to stink. Then smear on unpatriotic people
who do not faithfully support the Administration's line, making sure to
lick your own fingers clean in the process.
John Bolton's Chopped Chicken Livers: Cut the livers out of
every subordinate who isn't a kiss up, kick down kind of guy. Season with
the flayed skin of Third World United Nations diplomats. Then chop them
all up and mash them into a fine paste. Add unrelenting accusations of
scandals, malfeasance and treason. Browbeat for months on end. Add minced
onion and olives. Strain through mustache and eat for breakfast.
Grover Norquist's Bar-b-q-ed Liberal: First, pluck pinko
liberals' constitutional feathers until they cannot fly. Then cut off
their Bill of Rights and their access to the mainstream media. Then wring
their necks. Tenderize by stomping with hobnailed jack boots. Rinse
liberals' carcasses thoroughly in bathtub water, preferably the same
bathtub water used to shrink and drown the federal government. After
washing, place liberals on shish kebob skewers with GMO tomatoes and green
pepper. Slowly cook elections, turning skewered liberals over electronic
voting machines. Say Christian benediction and serve while steaming hot.
Alan Greenspan's Goldilocks Chocolate Fudge. Mix 45 billion
dollars worth of illiquid assets with 2.4 trillion dollars in debt. Blend
with a stick of partially hydrogenated margarine, one billion teaspoons of
crushed derivatives and 3 ounces semi-sweet chocolate. Pour in six heaping
barrels of treasury bonds purchased by foreign national banks. Add 4.7
trillion pounds of yeast and bicarbonate of soda to make fudge rise. Bring
to a high heat. After bubbles form, beat several tens of millions of
unemployed workers into oblivion and add to mix, stirring slowly with
wooden ladle. Reduce interest rates. Increase money supply. Add both to
mix simultaneously. Stimulate to taste. Pour into a cake mold and bake,
slowly increasing temperature ¼ degree every 30 days. Mutter
incomprehensible incantations while the fudge rises, overheats and then
crashes. Dust with hog belly sprinkles and REIT options. Serve fudge when
not too hot and not too cold and sell to credulous public at inflated
Tom DeLay's Fried Chicken Wings: Pluck chickens. Tear off
and discard all parts of chicken except for the right wing. Roll right
wings in dough. Deep fry the chicken right wings in greasy cooking oil
until the skin is brown and crispy. Place chicken right wings in a
lobbying collection bucket and eat while flying off with lobbyists to
exotic resorts. Charge lobbyists for the privilege of flying with you,
talking with you and sharing your chicken wings with you. Discard chicken
bones in poor and non-Republican voting districts in Texas. Using chicken
bones as markers, redistrict Texas's poor and non-Republican voting
districts into the Gulf of Mexico.
Pasta a la Berlusconi: In a large steel pot bring several
gallons of water to a boil. Have American CIA kidnap, render, interrogate
and soften up foreign guests, students, trade unionists and dissidents.
Then beat foreigners, students, trade unionists and dissidents into thin
strands of linguini. Toss the linguini into boiling water. Cook al
dente. Season lightly with scandals and tomato paste.
Thomas Friedman's Lexus and Olive Oil Peasant Pizza: Evict
third world peasants from their farm land. Mash third world peasants with
pizza roller until you have a fine dough. Toss mashed peasants into the
air and shape them into a pizza pie. Bake the peasant dough in the oven.
Charge the peasants for the IMF and World Bank loans to purchase the oven,
the electricity to run the oven, the dam to generate the electricity, the
consulting fees to teach the peasants how to mash each other up into pizza
dough, the infrastructure to market the peasant pizzas to the western
world, plus 18% interest compounded daily. When baked, spread fine olive
oil and garlic on pizza, purchasing both from abroad because the peasants'
farmland has been replaced with duty-free maquiladoras to service
Wal-Mart. Eat peasants. Drive off in your new Lexus bought with interest
earned in the process of making peasant pizza.
Mike Johanns' USDA Baked Salmon Fillet: As the 28th
Secretary of the Department of Agriculture, Mike Johanns offers this
fabulous baked salmon recipe. First, find a fresh, wild salmon. Alright,
so maybe there aren't anymore wild salmon. Well then, find a large
albacore tuna, free of mercury. Hmmm, so where can you find mercury free
tuna? Okay, let's try fillet of beef instead. Find a freshly slaughtered,
BSE-free heifer and... okay, how about venison steak? Mad deer
disease? Uh, okay, scrape some road kill off the highway and...
what's this about MBTE? Say, how about going on a fast?
Dick Cheney's Deviled Eggs: Find several dozen good eggs and
implement appropriate foreign policy to make them turn bad. The badder the
better. Even when good eggs aren't bad, you can still use them to make
deviled eggs. The best eggs used in Dick Cheney's Deviled Egg recipe come
from Afghanistan, Cuba, Iraq, Iran, Venezuela, France and anyplace else
where people look, dress or talk “funny”. Demonize them. Excoriate them.
Call them evil, Satan-worshiping, un-American, communists, Islamic
extremists, whatever works to make Americans think that these “bad eggs”
hate Americans for their life style. Spoon out whipped intolerance and
ladle onto sliced egg halves. Season lightly with red, white and blue
peppercorns and Holy Water. Break many more eggs than necessary to make
the meal, the more broken eggs the better. Serve deviled eggs frequently,
especially at election time and whenever poll numbers fall.
Jalal Talibani's Baghdad Baklava: Mix together six parts
Shia fundamentalism, three parts Kurds, one part Sunni Baathist. Add
liberal amounts of gunpowder, depleted uranium, 80 billion dollars and
graft. Bake in an improvised exploding device or immolated suicide car
bomb. Dust lightly with cluster bomblets. Dribble capitalist honey comfit
with Halliburton, Bechtel and Kellogg-Root and Brown flavorings onto mix.
Must be served by heavily armed occupation forces wearing body armor.
Makes for a treacly-sweet dessert that sticks to your ribs forever.
Tony Blair's Key Lime Pie: Ask George Bush what he would
like to eat for dinner. Prepare it for him. Ask George Bush what he would
like for dessert. Make it for him. Ask George Bush what he would like to
drink with dinner. Serve it to him. Wash up George Bush's dirty dishes,
licking the plates clean. Sweep up all the after dinner crumbs from George
Bush's dinner table. Mold George Bush's dinner crumbs into a pie crust.
Add several thousand British soldiers and a few kiwis. Bake in Middle
Eastern oven indefinitely.
Ken Lay's Corporate Triple Layer Cake: Allow governments to
construct important infrastructure at public expense -- like postal
service, highways, public utilities and power transmission lines, schools,
internet, hospitals and prisons. Then start wars to starve governments of
funds so that they cannot sustain public infrastructure. Buy on the cheap,
privatize or steal outright public infrastructure in the name of creating
jobs and tax revenue in an age of declining public funds. Acquire
everything and everyone. Then lay off employees of acquired infrastructure
and avoid paying taxes by outsourcing abroad and moving corporate
headquarters to the Caribbean. As for laid off starving citizens, let them
eat Ken Lay's corporate triple layer cake.
John Roberts Mystery Meatloaf: This is a wonderful meatloaf
recipe, but unfortunately, Judge Roberts doesn't remember how he used to
make it. Once the master chef at the ultra-conservative Federalist Club
Royale and Creperie, Judge Roberts now cannot remember any of his
prize-winning recipes for abortion rights, separation of constitutional
powers, tort law, civil rights, anti-trust law or affirmative action. He
barely remembers working in the Reagan Administration kitchen or helping
to cook the election books in Florida's 2000 presidential elections.
Nevertheless, the President assures us that we should trust John Roberts'
culinary skills no matter what kind of mystery meatloaf he might
eventually serve up.
John Negroponte's Super Secret Surveillance Sauce: Look for
secret ingredients in your neighbor's mailbox. Then look for more secret
ingredients in your neighbor's computer Internet files. Enter, without
knocking and without a warrant, into your neighbor's home, being careful
to rifle her dresser drawers for more secret ingredients without
leaving a trace that you were there. Secretly obtain your neighbor's
library reading habits. Digitally record your neighbor's super secret
telephone conversations. Secretly videotape your neighbor's comings and
goings. Open a file and pour all secret ingredients inside. Mix secretly
using super secret electronic surveillance methods. Stamp “classified” and
“top secret”. Arrest and try neighbor using secret ingredients from file.
Gail Norton's Baked Alaska Desert: Increase emissions of
greenhouse gases. Ignore Kyoto Protocols. Allow ocean temperatures to
increase and marine life to die off. Ignore increasingly powerful
hurricanes, rain storms and cyclones. Pretend that global weather weirding
is not occurring. Insist that summers are not getting warmer nor the Gulf
Stream weakening. Watch as northern glaciers melt. Open up ANWR wildlife
preserve for oil drilling as Alaska bakes and turns into a desert.
Albert Gonzalez's Constitutional Crepes: This is a quaint
recipe based on Mr. Gonzalez's ever popular Geneva Conventions Pancakes.
First, mix up a batter of the Bill of Rights. Fold in sour cream, a stick
of butter, a pinch of salt, and the whites of a dozen eggs. Take to Camp
X-ray at Guantanamo Bay Cuba. Beat and torture the batter for weeks on end
without sleeping. Now decant First, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh,
Eighth, Ninth, Tenth and Fourteenth Amendments from the constitutional
batter and flush down the toilet. Press flattened, denatured
constitutional crepes on iron pan lightly greased with low sulfur sweet
crude oil from Saudi Arabia and cook at constant low heat. Sweeten with
confectioners sugar, maple syrup and saccharin phrases about protecting
Robert Zoellick's Free Market Fettuccini: Purchase 2 bags of
wheat flour from Canada on condition that Canada dismantle its national
health care system. Buy 3 wheels of cheese from Argentina on condition
that Argentina accept a 60 trillion dollar IMF loan at 20% interest.
Import ½ pound of pistachio nuts from Costa Rico provided that it sign on
to CAFTA and reduces the retirement benefits for its citizens. Cook in
bottled water extracted from deep wells in India. Acquire Nigerian oil to
boil water on condition that Nigeria allow American corporations to
acquire all of its resources at fire sale prices. Use devalued dollars to
pay for everything while chanting capitalist and free market mantra.
Strain fettuccini. Dump scalding hot water on China for attempting to make
Free Market Fettuccini like we do.
McClellan's Soup du Jour:
Round about the cauldron go;
In the press releases throw.
War, that under hot Iraq
Days and nights has sweated
Boil thou first in White House pot.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
Fillet of a Condi snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of Newt and Foggy Bottom,
Wooly words and tongue of blog,
Blind press sting and Chalabi,
Judith Miller, Scooter Libby –
For a soup of powerful trouble,
Like a hell broth, boil and bubble.
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Afghan pipelines, Iran oil,
Luis Posada's secret file,
Yellow cake dug in the dark,
Joseph Wilson's ears and nose,
Aristide, Chavez's toes,
Coup d'état-ed by moon's eclipse,
Fox TV, Bin Laden's lips,
Finger of unwanted babe,
Caused by dumping Roe v. Wade,
Make the gruel thick and gooey:
Add thereto the starving children,
For the ingredients of our cauldron.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Now serve to a credulous public,
Support the Prez, damn the Republic.
Zbignew Zingh can be reached at
Zbig@ersarts.com. This Article is
CopyLeft, and free to distribute, reprint, repost, sing at a recital,
spray paint, scribble in a toilet stall, etc. to your heart’s content,
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great articles at
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