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(DV) Von Hoffman: National Porn Sunday







National Porn Sunday
by Nicholas von Hoffman
August 27, 2005

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The Christian Science Monitor, under a headline announcing the existence of “Elephant in the Pews,” says that members of the Protestant clergy have denominated October 9th as National Porn Sunday. This effort to out the porn threat undermining religion could replace Pentecost  Sunday. (see

Despite the name congregants are not invited to dig around in the back of their closets and bring their copies of Hustler with its feeeelthy pictures to church for show and tell.

The occasion’s purpose is to fight the porn addiction which has reportedly taken hold of many Christians. “We were tired of hearing stories about people's lives being wrecked, and feeling they had nowhere to go in the church to get help,” quoth Rev. Craig Gross, calling this deplorable sex dependency “America's dirty little secret.”

Maybe not so little. The Monitor says, “In a 2001 survey published in Leadership Journal, 37 percent of pastors said pornography was a struggle for them, and 51 percent admitted it was a temptation. ‘For 25 years, I would have said that the pro-life issue is the most pressing threat to America morally, but pornography has overtaken it,’ says the  Rev. Richard Land, a prominent leader in the Southern Baptist Convention, the largest US Protestant denomination. ‘More people's lives are being destroyed on a daily basis by addiction to pornography than through abortion.’”

He’s got that wrong. Porn addiction is pro-life. Beat your meat, not your baby. The Christian porn slave is more likely to pop the gun in his pants than pop off a Venezuelan politician. Porn, considering the thoughts it gives rise to, is life affirming. Porn addicts do not pay good money to get onto those websites to see doctors kill babies.

Religious people are more susceptible to porn dependency than normal people. Religion and porn are both highly repetitive activities. They are conditioned to enjoy repetition. Same prayers over and over, same muff shots over and over.

Also, the name is not cool. Don’t call it National Porn Sunday. Call it St. Onan’s Day. Remember the lines from Henry V:

This day is called the feast of Onan:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Onan.

Nicholas von Hoffman’s latest book, A Devil’s Dictionary of Business, has just been published by Nation Books. Thanks to Carl Bromley of Nation Books.

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