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Give
a Hand to the Governor E(r)ect
by
Leilla Matsui
October
13, 2003
The
lord, as everyone knows moves in the mysterious ways of a hormonal, head-banging
pre-teen having a bad hair weekend at 'Ozz Fest'. Especially when he smiles down on us, braces and all, from
headline heaven and decrees that running man Arnold should win the total recall
and terminate the Governor-dude.
Perhaps he's been getting high off all those Hummer fumes leaking out of
the expanding ozone hole over the world's fifth largest economy. Or maybe he's just the same Beavis who sent
us a plague of locusts and 'The Bachelor' just for the hell of it. Perhaps only
divine comedy could explain a series of high-profile mauling cases in the same
week - one involving a lion and the other ones, the Governor-elect of
California.
For
the non-believing minority, however, the whole recall fiasco was little more
than a judicial coup d'etat; a political ass-grab, if you will, engineered by
the very people who had lost the election the last time around. For obvious reasons, Republicans couldn't
jerry-rig the ballot counting like they did in Florida in 2000 so they
exploited a legal loophole to oust a legitimately elected leader and replace
him with another dim-bulb baby kisser with name recognition. (Whether or not they knew he'd also
man-handle their mothers is another story)
The
recall option was originally instituted as a safety valve to safeguard the
system from unfit leadership - not unpopular leaders, even ones with 'Dweeb'
sewn onto the labels of their boxer shorts.
Recall is an extreme measure like the emergency brake in a subway
car. It's hard to believe that anyone
would potentially derail a train by activating it because he/she missed their
station. Unfortunately, that pretty
well sums up the Republican response these days to their own inability to win
elections. Roughly translated from
Pig-Latin, their motto could read: 'If at first you don't succeed, manufacture
a crisis to divert scrutiny from your own failures.' Of course, if a few hundred people go down with you, just holler
the word, 'terrorist' and let Homeland Security take care of the rest.
Former
Governor Davis, just months into his second term was tried and sentenced by a
well-heeled and housebroken media - those frothing at the fangs lapdogs who
safeguard their masters' investment portfolios. The official pundit version of
Gray Davis's ignoble and short-lived term as Governor is an etch-a-sketch
portrait of a milquetoast underachiever, overwhelmed and ill-equipped to tackle
an energy crisis and the conjugal demands of his wife in the 48 hour period
allotted to him as governor. Even if
there's some truth in the final analysis, it seems we are creeping ever closer
to the day when the democratic process is revamped to follow the guidelines of
'speed dating' with elected leaders having to push undebated, drive-by reforms
within the parameters of a soundbite or be hounded out of office.
The
Arnold supporters who lined up outside 'Planet Hollywood' a decade ago,
expecting to rub elbows with their idol as he chowed down next to them will
undoubtedly be disappointed again when the former restaurateur makes yet another
no-show at their table. This
self-proclaimed 'man of the people' will unlikely live up to his saviour role
as a crusading outsider, championing the little guy from his 'Independent'
pulpit since he's already proven that he has no appetite for them or their
bad-ass food.
According
to Arianna Huffington, the Independent label is something he's co-opted from candidates
like herself and Peter Camejo - a last ditch appeal to woo the electorate with
an even more dazzling display of unoriginality. 'The People's Governor' is a plagiarized role he's scripted for
himself in yet another blockbuster offering. This time the citizens of
California will have to write-off the resulting box-office poison themselves.
For those living outside the planet USA, the people of California have truly
been blessed with a 'Governor for the People', the 'Pod People' that is; the
saucer-eyed and slack-jawed electorate who voted for their Governor with the
torn stubs of their Cineplex tickets.
Arnold
supporters would argue, however, that their toothful leader has a refreshing
disdain for party platforms, and admire the way he picks and chooses the
choicest morsels and phrases from his party's (and every other's)
handbooks. Arnold approaches politics
like most people would a buffet spread: a little of this and a little of that
and soon you have what looks like a dog's breakfast of partially digested slop
trailing over the rim of an undersized plate. In Arnold's case it's a bit of
fascism (the body-worshipping, control and fitness freak who admires Hitler for
his power and charisma), a lot of conservatism (no tax-hikes - take it out of
the mouths of underprivileged children), a bit of liberalism (abortion's cool),
and a smattering of libertarianism (the government shouldn't interfere with a
man's right to grope chicks who might need it). Again, a dog's breakfast of
partially digested political tracts he's skimmed through while going over the
finer points of his abs and pecs.
Die-hard
cynics will wonder too if his socially liberal outlook on the abortion issue
stems from having his thong so often trailing his ankles; he knows first hand
the pain of being threatened with a lawsuit (or 200) over involuntary
parenthood. His rather enlightened
views on gay issues might have been a pre-emptive charm-offensive against
damaging allegations of his soft-core, boy-toy past rather than any principled
stand for civil liberties.
'Fiscally
conservative' and 'socially moderate' was one generous assessment of his
candidacy and a label that will no doubt be replaced with 'physical and
conservative' and 'asocially immoderate' when the reality of staring down a
budget crisis hits him in the least developed part of his anatomy - his brain. By that time, he'll be as popular as a date
rapist at a hot tub convention - a reversion to type which will help smooth his
greased-pole descent from political impersonator to former governor when the
next recall is announced.
Leilla Matsui is a freelance
writer living in Tokyo, Japan. She can be reached at: catcat@s3.ocv.ne.jp
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