Dissident Voice

July 17, 2003

The American forces delivered its awaited victory over the mighty and dangerous Iraqi war machine, where an estimated astounding 2.3% of the troops actually fought against the invasion. The brave, glorious, heroic, ingenious and above all overwhelmingly powerful American troops fought their way bravely to Baghdad and quickly secured all oilfields and refineries to ensure the most important war goal. We are all impressed with the American victory! It was a feat no less great than if the super footballer David Beckham had managed to score a goal on a penalty against a 5-year-old goalkeeper. Or Mike Tyson had managed to knock out a disabled teenage girl with her hands tied behind her back. The fact that Iraq had only been suffering under 12 years of sanctions, disarmament by U.N. and constant spying by the invaders made the victory the stuff of which legends are born. Or media fairy tales are written!

The quick victory allowed the occupiers full access to all areas in their search for those elusive weapons of mass destruction that threatened the whole world and could be deployed in shorter time than it takes for the American president to choke on a pretzel. So where were those WMD?

As Mr. Bush said "we KNOW they have weapons of mass destruction"! Colin Powell said the same! And Condi, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Tenet, Blair, Straw, Sharon, Wolfowitz, Perle, Howard, Boeing, General Dynamics, Bechtel, Halliburton ,CocaCola, Exxon Mobile, Shell, BP, the CIA, NSA, DIA, British Intelligence services, Arnold Schwarzenegger and the guy who sells hot dogs on the Boardwalk in Atlantic City. They all just KNEW it!

And, lo and behold, they were finally found.

New reports from American search teams in Iraq now confirm finding details intended for the production of nuclear weapons. The parts of machinery found buried in a backyard are, according to experts, from the pre '91 nuclear program of Saddam Hussein's regime. Some skeptics have pointed out that the parts are worthless bits probably found when looting an old unused site and the only thing the parts prove is that people in Iraq know how to get rid of unusable scrap by burying it in the ground behind a house. Pentagon experts, however, have another and more sinister interpretation of the significance of the find, which was eloquently explained by Deputy Secretary of Defence, Mr. Wolfowitz. "This is a damning piece of evidence that proves we were right from the beginning! The devious Iraqis, probably Saddamistic security personnel, have simply planted old parts IN ORDER TO MAKE THEM GROW INTO NEW ONES!

As everyone knows, if you plant a seed in the ground it grows into a new plant. If we hadn't found the parts they could very well have grown into several nuclear plants that could threaten America and the whole world!" "If anyone wants more evidence, we are fully prepared to show documents in the form of pictures and film clips clearly showing a few USED water cans, found IN THE SAME backyard as the machinery parts! And we know water is needed to make things grow," concluded Mr. Wolfowitz, who was reported to have broken an arm doing somersaults when the surprisingly good news reached him.

More reports of suspect material have been circulated lately. In one place a barrel with a chemical substance has been found that COULD have been used to manufacture sarin if combined with more sophisticated substances that COULD have been bought from the US or UK. A US scientist working to refine sophisticated chemical weapons at Fort Detrick describes the possible dangers: "Sarin is a very toxic nerve agent -- nothing compared to what WE have of course, but still pretty nasty -- that CAN be used to kill several people, provided enough quantities of it can be produced and if the terrorists can manage to transport it to the intended site without killing themselves and if they can find means of disseminating it in a place that is well suited for such use!"

Large quantities of a smeary, sticky fluid have been found in several places around the country. This substance COULD well be refined into a highly flammable product that COULD be poured into bottles, topped by a wick hanging from the neck, and set on fire and thrown at the occupying forces. "If a million Iraqi terrorists each throw a Molotov-cocktail some place in the US, then by God what is it if not a WMD," a female spokesperson for Mr. Bush said yesterday before hastening away to bribe some head of state to support US demands to be considered above international law. Luckily the American forces have taken full control over all areas where the dangerous fluid can be found. In due time most of it will be pumped up from the ground and delivered cheaply to American oil companies and later analyzed by American motorists after paying through their noses for it. One danger for the world taken care of! Plenty to come!

In the Euphrates and Tigris rivers several fish has been found that are so full of depleted uranium from American shells that they light up the rivers at night. "Imagine if these fish had been served at a downtown Washington D.C. restaurant or even by the White House or Pentagon catering services," Richard Perle warns, "according to British intelligence reports those fish COULD be deployed within 45 minutes provided Iraqi terrorist fishermen had any equipment, hooks, lines and sinkers or nets, left undamaged by American bombs!" As George W. Bush has repeatedly said: "We can't allow the world's most dangerous leaders to have access to the world's most dangerous fish!" The CIA suspects, based on intelligence that the British has denounced, that the fish could be fired, 2000 rounds a minute, by one of the machines found in a canning factory. The suspicion may not be corroborated by the CIA but are trusted as credible by the British (based on intelligence by Israel who read it in a Polish paper) after being labeled "ridiculous" by U.N. weapons inspectors. George Tenet will, anyway, recommend his president not to refer to the "fish-cannon" in his next State of the Empire address.

The trailers, mobile trailers at that, found in a few places perhaps didn't turn out to be mobile germ warfare labs as some imaginative experts in Tenet's CIA department for science fiction claimed, but were used to produce hydrogen for artillery balloons. BUT, as Dick Cheney warns, "SUPPOSE they were used to deliver other things than artillery coordinates? Balloons fly don't they?" The CIA pundits now speculate that above reported fish of mass destruction COULD have been dropped from balloons! Just imagine! The nerve of it! Not only having trailers, but MOBILE trailers! Is there no end to Saddam Hussein's evil?

In many places some quantities of fertilizer have been found. As we all know fertilizer CAN be mixed with other stuff and that COULD be used to produce medium-potent explosives. Remember the Oklahoma bomb of Tim McVeigh! Some twenty tons of that stuff smuggled into the US in a briefcase or suitcase COULD, if detonated in the chambers, blow up the Capitolium. "Are we prepared to take such risks," Colin Powell cried when he saw the report. Later he demonstrated in front of the collective impressed Corps a small vial with some powdery substance with the dramatic words: "A few thousand pounds of this, if mixed with some thousand pounds of other stuff, is enough to blow up my favorite hot dog stand! I don't intend to allow that to happen as long as we have nukes at our disposal!" One more question to ask Saddam: Why did you have fertilizer?? Where IS he by the way? Shouldn't he be asked to explain himself?

Perhaps the most deadly threat, not only to the US but to the whole world, has been found in more houses than the search teams could ever have imagined. In more than 9,672 sites, and that is only up to yesterday, a biological weapon has been found that kills indiscriminatingly and at a frightening rate. This Bio-Weapon of Mass Destruction HAS ALREADY BEEN USED against the US and caused an estimated loss of more than one million lives. Some of these bioweapons are produced in Iraq or neighboring countries but there are indications that some come from countries that clearly hates America. One of the most frequent types is marked "Marlboro"! As soon as the CIA finds out the origin of the weapon, the plants producing the savage killer will be targeted by the biggest fleet of cruise missiles used by American forces since a tall bearded man was suspected to be in an Afghan tool-shed. HA! Take that, you evildoers! BTW, where IS Saddam?

George Bush, Tony Blair and their plotting underlings can sleep on in peace. Their claims have all been corroborated. Iraq really HAD WMD if you just apply your imagination, your cookbook and your underhanded ingenuity!

Jerre Skog is a Swedish writer, musician and independent observer living in Germany. His writings, politics and satire, can be found on www.skog.de and comments are welcome at jerre@skog.de