Dissident Voice

March 24, 2003

There have been many reports that Saddam Hussein has a double walking around Baghdad. This has given me an idea about why my Christian president has been so dopey lately. I have developed a strong suspicion that those awful neocons in the White House have taken my wonderful praying president hostage to start this criminal war to benefit that bald slimeball, Dick Cheney and his oil buddies. According to a Knight Ridder news report, my bible-toting hero was seen doing something evil, just before announcing his attempt to assassinate Saddam and some little kids in his own house with Tomahawk missiles. They reported: "Minutes before the speech, an internal television monitor showed the president pumping his fist. ‘ Feels good,’ he said." That was not the wonderful, leggy hunk of Christian pomposity I worship each night when praying on my bruised, arthritic knees. (I still try to jog every morning in my hairshirt.)

My friend, the lady church janitor, told me that it was Brent Mendenhall, the guy who used to be on Jay Leno all the time, who punched his fist in the air. You didn’t see him on Leno last night, did you? Proves my point I think he’s now running the country. He gave the order to go to war. He just does what those two gargoyles Rumsfeld and Cheney tell him to do. Never mind those other boys. We’re not allowed to talk about them in public. But just check who goes to the Bible studies and you’ll know whom I mean.

Well, when they were ready to start the broadcast, they wheeled the godly, real president in front of the lectern, pumped full of mind numbing pagan drugs. Did you notice how he slipped in from the side, instead of walking down that regal, papal red carpet? I think he has also been given post-hypnotic suggestions to make him believe that everything they put in front of him is Holy Scripture, teaching the filthy heathens how to be saved.

I went to the website about that Mendenhall guy. He’s a Methodist too, and he used to be one of those booze guzzling party going swine. But he’s going to hell, although he has a dog named Spot just like Gee Dubya. He needs a good dunking in the divine, baptismal waters.

I became worried when Dubya kept pausing during that last press conference. It looked like he was waiting for someone to tell him what to say. I know it wasn’t that nice man Ari telling him what to say. He was sitting in the audience. It must have been his evil double up there, or someone poured Jim Beam down Gee’s sacred throat during that ten minutes they claimed he wanted to be left alone. You know how wicked and full of dirty tricks the devil is, just like that Saddama-Osama terrorist.

Well, back to the war on TV. Wasn’t that so Christ-like of our leader to let us watch our Christian white boys smite those bastards in surround sound on a 60 inch plasma screen. My whole Bible study group is coming over tonight to share scripture passages about vengeance, while we wait for the Rapture. We’re also gonna pray that Gee Dubya sleeps well at night with that syringe in his ass.

We’re going to sing, "Dropkick me Jesus, through the goalposts of life."

Bob Gaiek is a former Captain in the Army Infantry, with a 15 month combat tour in Vietnam, earning a Purple Heart, Bronze Star and Two Air Medals. He owns his own video production company. He is a Christian who actively opposes the war crimes of the Bush administration, shamelessly being waged in God's name. He can be reached at: bob@gaiek.com