Despite being a party that looks backwards, Republicans are mounting attacks on Hillary Clinton’s “politics of the past,” fearful she will become president.
At a recent conservative confab, party stalwarts took pride in representing the GOP as the party that “stops progress cold in its tracks,” “set world records to restrict healthcare,” and vowed to defeat Hillary Clinton’s attempt “to move the country forward.”
“In our attempt to annul FDR’s reforms, reverse LBJ’s civil rights laws, and take the country back to the days of the Constitution, we cannot allow Hillary to become president,” said Mitch McConnell, minority Senate leader. “We’re through with progress, let us return to the days of Calvin Coolidge.”
McConnell referred to President Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929) known as the business president who promoted unbridled capitalism, exploitation of natural resources, low wages, monopolies, low taxes and little government regulation. Once maligned for creating a bubble that ended with the Great Depression, Coolidge has gained support as the greatest American president from Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Michele Bachmann.
“We Republicans love the past—the slave-owner South, the Robber Baron Era, the Roaring Twenties—and we’re fed up with the baby boomers,” said Professor Gomer C. Knucklehead, Professor at Oral Roberts School of Dentistry in Two Molars, Florida. “Talk about hope and the future is an evil scheme to soften people up to vote for Hillary Clinton for president.”
Alarmed that young people support Democrats, the GOP is lining up organizations to overcome Hillary’s influence among young people. So far Coal Clubs, Rights for the Ovum, Aryan Family Association, and White Scouts of 1776 organizations have begun demonizing Hillary Clinton in advance of the next election.
“This woman is the worst thing for the country since we ended slavery,” said Karl Rove, President George Bush’s former guru. “We desperately need to repackage our ideas so we can hoodwink people into believing we have their interest at heart.”
GOP investigations show that young people deserted the last GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney because he didn’t appear regal enough despite his wealth and superior breeding. His main support came from rich old white guys, speculator bankers, concealed gun owners, and Southern retirees who couldn’t believe anyone could be so cruel as to tie a dog to the top of a car for the family vacation. Some target Dogs Against Romney for their candidates defeat, but others believe the GOP has to stand for something besides wealth and power for economic elites. Unfortunately efforts at promoting positive policy initiatives are falling on deaf ears.
“Unfortunately young people continue to reject our brilliant policies,” said GOP strategist Snookum Horsefly of Bodiddlie, Oklahoma. “They reject our doubling of student loan interest rates, our efforts to keep marriage between white couples, our Drill, Drill, Drill/Screw the Environment stance, and our efforts to keep the country safe from greasy wetbacks. I’m not sure what we can do except downplay our policies. We’re in some deep shit here.”
GOP presidential candidates Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Chris Christie and little known GOP hopefuls such as Bobby Blowhard of Louisiana and Lickem Dipstick of Americans for Inaction, attempt to convince voters of the strength of repackaged GOP ideas. As they tout the benefits of the Robber Baron era and the brilliance of Calvin Coolidge, they hope Americans will support the status quo.
“We keep repealing Obama healthcare because we think people want to exclude others from expensive healthcare, but it isn’t working,” said Lyall Day, spokesman for the Koch brothers. “Dangerous expansion of caring for sick people who can’t afford health insurance is spreading. We have to stick to our guns and defeat Hillary. I just hope Americans continue to support wealth being distributed upward, the elimination of all corporate taxes along with minimum wage laws, and returning the country to the greatness of 1927 when the economy was booming and Calvin Coolidge was in the White House.”