Abraham & Franz

Though many historians pay hard attention to the manic, melancholy life of Lincoln they neglect to mention his blazing orange bowtie and his boon companion, Kafka. Nor have any written of Abe’s love for Dove Ice-cream bars consumed outdoors in Paris.

How long since Kafka served Lincoln in the New World, at Civil War, when Kafka lead murderous troops from Georgia to Paris?  Once  Stonewall Jackson died and Lee released the dove,  Abe and Franz shared a succulent blood orange of victory while Grant swayed drunkenly at “attention.”

Kafka’s dream was to win in love, like Paris, whom he much preferred to Menelaus.

“Attention: better to woo Beauty, soaring graceful like a dove, than win her through grim slaughter, eh, Lincoln?” said the hopelessly romantic General Kafka.

Lincoln, depressed, beat Custer with an orange.

When a special White House screening of A Clockwork Orange failed to break Abe’s mood, they tried Last Tango in Paris. Abe remained sullen, and all eyes turned to Kafka, who chose a pen and paper as his locus of attention. Finally, a smile stretched the brilliant, goofy face of Lincoln when razor-toothed Ozzy bit deep into a dove, and scrubbed the blood away with moisturizing Dove.

“I’d like to show that fellow my heavy metal orange T-shirt, but he’s a big celebrity and I’m just Lincoln,” said Abe. “One day we’ll share café-Au-lait in Paris. But so many loose ends, like Civil War, merit my attention. If only I could delegate the heavy stuff to Kafka. That idea for a Penal Colony for recidivist Rebels was pure Kafka.”

Yet Kafka was too busy reading Pynchon, Kleist, Wings of the Dove, and orchestrating trials and executions at The Castle to pay attention to weary Lincoln’s yearning for simplicity and Duck L’Orange.  Finally Franz assented to an all-expense paid trip to Paris and the two packed beer and munchies into Honest Abe’s used Lincoln.

The trip was dreary for Kafka. He threw Cheez Doodles at Lincoln, who lost his attention at the wheel and crashed into an orange crate, liberating a dove, which morphed into a beetle over Paris.

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