American Book of the Dead: Ax Laura (live)

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:10 PM
Subject:   Hi

Hi,
how are you doing? My name is Laura, am searching for a soul mate;
don’t you think we could have something in common? Let’s open
communication and see what transpires, Just go ahead and email me, i
promise to get back to you, Laura…

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:12 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

I have no soul to mate with. I’m an ax-murder. I can’t stop myself.
I’ve murdered seventy-one axes already and see no end in site.  All
those folks rummaging through their garages, looking for long
lost axes to grind, weeping…makes me kind of sad, actually…but
that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop.

But who’s wackier, me, a sinister, unrepentant ax-murderer, or you,
emailing a (random?) address called “devnull?”  It’s not a person, by
the way, it’s a place. A very dark and spooky place.  I don’t know
what you’re advertising (a virtual lap-dance?  a cam-corder
strip-tease in the loneliness of your bedroom?) but if you can
find a soul to mate with in /dev/null, you should be recruiting for
“Heaven” or whatever after-life myth pays a decent wage –
on a millennium by millennium basis — with benefits.

Don’t think they have Health Insurance in “Heaven,” but man, you
should see the Bar and Recreation area!

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:14 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Okay. Can I “ax” you a question? (ha ha ha, ho ho ho)

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:17 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

That’s not funny. I’m sick.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:20 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Oh come on. You can’t be that sick.

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:21 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

Try me.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:24 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Well. Wanna see some of my photos?

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:25 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

Sure. You obviously know where to send them.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:27 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Well?

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:32 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

Now that’s sick.  What’s wrong with you?

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:33 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Girl’s gotta make a living.  Beats flipping burgers at McDonald’s.
And a helluva lot more potential — for my career. The money ain’t big
– yet. But shit, McDonald’s? Or Starbucks or whatever? Forget about
it!

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:35 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

Speaking of which.  How much?

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:37 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

For you, my little Ax-murderer? Nothing.

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:40 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

Oh please.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:41 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Really. All you gotta do is log on to the my hosting site and key in
the code I’ll send you.

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:43 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

Hosting site. That kind of an on-line strip joint?

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:45 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Sort of. I guess. I mean, I never thought about it that way. It’s just
a window to my world. But –

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:46 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

I suppose there’s no cover. Or is there a three virtual-drink minimum?

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:48 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

LOL ;)

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:49 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

And since it’s free, I suppose I won’t need my credit card…

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:50 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Only just to log in, so they know you’re not underage or something.
Really, they won’t charge you without your consent.

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:53 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

How do they know I’m not a minor sneaking kicks on Daddy’s card?  How
do you?

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:54 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

I’ve seen your photo. You’re no minor, kiddo.

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:55 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

How did you see my photo? What am I on camera? Maybe I should be
charging you.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:57 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

LOL.  Your Icon, silly. It’s on all the mail sites, blogs etc.
‘Wherever you go, there you are.’

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 6:58 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Repo Man.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:01 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Excellent, Ax-man.  Speaking of films, I know you’re just dying to see
mine.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:04 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

It’s what I’ve been getting up for all these years.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:05 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Ha! I don’t have any films — not yet. It’s all live.

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:10 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

No films “yet.” I suppose you’re gonna make it Big Time as a porn
star.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:13 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

We all gotta dream. Only way to make things happen.  And the more
folks visit my live cam-show, the closer I get to making my dream a
reality.

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:14 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

Live show.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:17 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Yup.  And you can make me do anything you want.  Just “ax” (ha, ha).
;)

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:19 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

Anything?

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:22 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

My world is yours…

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:25 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

How bout we meet for a cup of coffee. In ‘real time.’

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:26 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Don’t be ridiculous.

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:27 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

Why not?

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:29 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Well, you’re an ax murderer. I wouldn’t feel safe. Girl like me’s
gotta protect her goods.

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:32 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

I said a public place.  With people around. Real ones.  You can…uh,
you can frisk me, if you want…

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:35 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

LOL!

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:38 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

I’m serious.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:39 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Are you crazy?

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:40 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

Crazy for love.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:45 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Ha ha. Funny-man.  Who has time for coffee?  Unless you want to buy
more than coffee…

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:50 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

Maybe I’ll check out your ‘live’ show first.  See what I’m in for.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:52 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

Now you’re talking. It’ll be better for my performance rating, anyway.
I mean, to get a lot of hits.

From: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
To: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 7:55 PM
Subject: Re: Hi

I just did hit on you. You turned my ass down.

From: moc.eyepeepnull@nexivarual
To: gro.eciovtnedissidnull@llunved
Sent: Friday, November 9, 2012 8:00 PM
Subject:  Re: Hi

My funny little ax-man! Think up something special for me to do (I can
be a Nurse, a Maid, or a Naughty MILF ‘Homemaker,’ you know, if you
like dress-up). The code to type in, once you get to the site is…

Beau Cephalus, Writer-in-Residence at /dev/null, is not afraid to speak the Truth to Power. So long as there's a viable exit-strategy. Read other articles by Beau.