I’m not a whiner, but it’s been a particularly tough year. So I’m going to swallow my pride and make three requests. First, please bring me a new computer, one that isn’t so darn complicated. Second, bring me some top-of-the-line black hair dye. And third, bring me….um….that is, could you….um….? Okay, make that TWO requests.
Governor of Texas
Dear Santa Claus,
I’m asking that you bring me some shiny medals and campaign ribbons for my uniform. Ever since I retired from active duty, they’ve stopped giving me those things, and I really miss them. Please note that I’ve written this letter in longhand. For personal reasons, I no longer use email.
General David Petraeus
This Christmas we’re asking that you bring us President Obama’s brain and heart in a glass jar. We already have his balls.
The Republican Party
To Whom It May Concern,
cc: North Pole trade representatives
cc: Santa, elves, helpers
My team asked me to contact your team. Not that we’re ungrateful, but we need more of everything. Congress and the Supreme Court have been helpful, but we need more, lots more….more of everything. Pluto may no longer be a planet, but plutocracy is still the name of the game—if you get my drift. Let’s arrange to meet.
Thomas J. Donohue, Sr.
President and CEO, U.S. Chamber of Commerce
Like all good Americans who want their country to remain strong and liberty to ring out its proud name to keep us free and refudiate the lies of the lame-stream media, please bring us prosperity this Christmas, even though you’re a German who encourages people to rely on free gifts, which makes you a socialist.
Because the killing of school kids has reached epidemic proportions, the NRA has decided that American children need to be armed. Please see to it that every elementary and high school student in the country is given his or her own handgun for Christmas. While I realize it’s your call, I strongly recommend the sub-compact, 9mm Glock 26.
President, National Rifle Association
Dear Santa Claus,
I assume you’re a Jew who’s willing to help other Jews. Although Israel is surrounded by hostile Arabs, the world continues to accuse us of human rights violations. Could you put in a good word? Could you tell people that we wish to live in harmony with our Arab neighbors? Also, remind them that we never forgive and never forget, and that if they don’t heed your words, we will learn their identities and hunt them down like animals.
I need a favor, and don’t want to hear any happy horseshit about who’s been “naughty or nice.” My kids want presents. And even though I could afford to buy them any f***ing thing they wanted, for some reason they want Santa Claus to do it. How do we make this happen? Get back to me ASAP.
Mayor of Chicago
Dear Brother Claus,
This year we’re asking you to bring U.S. workers job security, livable wages, and decent benefits. Given that most of your toys are made in China and Eastern Europe, I was reluctant to write. But you’re our last hope. The Democrats have warned us to stay away because they don’t want to “spook the markets.” Merry Christmas.
Dear Santa Claus,
A careful reading of the Constitution reveals that nowhere in that document are you mentioned. As a consequence, be advised that your existence has been deemed unconstitutional, and your gift-giving illegal.
Justice, U.S. Supreme Court
My Dearest Santa,
I’m told that “clean urine” is available on the black market. Would you be a doll and leave a couple of bottles in my stocking?