It’s time for the 3am question. A crisis erupts — or is manufactured — in some turbulent part of the world and putative US President Mitt Romney must rise to the occasion. What is a gallant server of the 47% to do to save the free world?
With all due respect to grandmaster Phil Spector, this is more like the Wall of Sound.
So here’s how Mitt is going to save the Empire from decline. Move over, Crystals, and say hello to Mitt’s version of “Da Doo Ron Ron”3: Da Doo War War.
Yeah, my heart stood still
Wall of Sound Mitt could also go roots and do a Slim Harpo/Yardbirds take on Got War If You Want It.4 But Da Doo War War is more appropriate to his family man image. Got Iraq? Da Doo War War; none of this “abrupt withdrawal of our entire troop presence” nonsense. We’re going after anything that moves: Sunnis, Shi’ites, al-Qaeda, Eye-ranian spies, Sadrists. Who cares if we can’t stay legally? We stay illegally. And if anyone complains, we reinvade.
Got Af (without Pak)? We stay there way beyond 2014. And with all our nuggets in the Empire of Bases intact. For Mitt, “the route to more war — and to potential attacks here are home” is… to wage endless war. None of this nonsense of a “politically timed retreat that abandons the Afghan people to the same extremists who ravaged their country and used it to launch the attacks of 9/11.” Mitt, though, has not released any details of how he plans to prosecute Enduring Freedom Forever.
Got Iran? Mitt will “put the leaders of Iran on notice”; he will “prevent them from acquiring nuclear weapons capability”; he will “impose new sanctions on Iran, and will tighten the sanctions we currently have”; he will “restore the permanent presence of aircraft carrier task forces in both the Eastern Mediterranean and the Gulf region” (well, they are already parked there anyway).
So expect a Mitt-ordered naval blockade — to complement the Obama-ordered financial blockade. The next step would be Da Doo War War all the way; after all, Mitt has vowed to wage war “for the sake of peace.”
Got Syria? It’s Da Doo (Civil) War. Trust Mitt to “identify and organize” every Salafi-jihadi in town “who share our values” — perhaps by having them undergo an anti-Americanism test (“Have you ever belonged to a terrorist organization?”)
As much as “the president has failed to lead in Syria,” Wall of Sound Mitt will “work with our partners to identify and organize those members of the opposition who share our values and ensure they obtain the arms they need to defeat Assad’s tanks, helicopters, and fighter jets.” Forget about that “leading from behind” nonsense; welcome back to the 1980s jihad against the Soviets remix.
Got Israel? That’s slow motion Da Doo War War to enable his close pal Benjamin Bibi Netanyahu to smash what’s left of the Palestinians. Mitt’s plan is to “kick the ball down the field and hope that ultimately, somehow, something will happen and resolve it” — as he said in his 47% fund raiser. Perhaps the Lord high above will say “I’m mad as hell and I can’t take it anymore” and unleash Armageddon, who knows. Anyway, forget about Mitt even trying to sell the illusion to the Palestinians that one day they will have a state. Got Middle Kingdom China? Da Doo War War would be quite a red line – after all they are the US’s creditors — but Mitt will emit his mighty roar against their “assertiveness” which is “sending chills through the region.”
Got Russia – aka the Soviet Union? Da Doo (Cold) War all the way, as in last April; Mitt is no wimp like those Obamites who entered “into an agreement with the Soviets, excuse me, with Russia” on nuclear negotiations.5 Russian President Vladimir Putin should be quaking inside his judo black belt; “There will be no flexibility with Vladimir Putin.” Got Yemen, Somalia, Central Africa, even, who knows, Venezuela? Da Doo (Drone) War.
In a nutshell; all those Chinks, Soviets, Ay-rabs, Eye-ranians only respect one thing; the power of the stick. The Wall of Sound. Da Doo War War.
No, his name is not Bill.
The man who Bill Clinton now calls “Moderate Mitt” has proven to be an immoderately stern foreign policy ace. Time for a quick recap. According to his credo, couched by a wall of neo-con armchair warriors, the Soviet Union, “excuse me”, Russia, is the US number one enemy.
The Palestinians — well, they basically should roll over and die. The Brits, they are a bunch of pampered moochers; who knows whether they would be capable of hosting the Olympics at a Salt Lake City level. The whole of Spain is a 47% wasteland; certified moochers, alongside, who knows, most of the Spanish-speaking universe; and by the way the pain in Spain was the government’s fault (when in fact it is derived from a private sector real estate bubble).
How to rate such a Hall of Fame performance? Enter a voice of reason via Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson, former chief of staff for Colin Powell. Commenting on Mitt’s past and future foreign policy achievements, Wilkerson said, “Utterly unbelievable… Romney [is] “operating on a Cold War music sheet.”6
Cold War indeed. What’s left for us mere survivors is to join in the Mitt sing-along. Here’s how Phil Spector put together the instrumental track for Da Doo Ron Ron. Feel free to add your own words — and in the best Cold War Wall of Sound spirit, let’s all merrily gun down Da Doo War War.
- Full text of Romney’s foreign policy speech in Virginia,Current.com. [↩]
- See here. [↩]
- See here. [↩]
- Yardbirds. [↩]
- “Why do some Republicans keep calling Russia the ‘Soviet Union?’,” MSNBC, Jul 26, 2012. [↩]
- “Ex-Powell aide on Romney’s foreign policy team: ‘These people make me sick‘,” MSNBC, Oct 8, 2012. [↩]