After years in abject poverty, I’m now a proud new member of the 1%. My journey from rags-to-riches began last fall, when Occupy Oakland pitched tents in front of the City Hall, and a whole bunch of politicians and media pundits told the Occupiers: “We sympathize with you in your homelessness, and we feel your pain. (But please go camp somewhere else).”
There were so many of these pain-feeling pundits and politicians (mostly Democrats) that it finally occurred to me that if I could get a dollar from each of them, I’d be on my way to wealth. So that’s what I did. I asked each and every one of them. And sure enough, being the sincere and generous souls that the spokespersons for the 1% truly are, they bestowed upon me an attaché case full of money.
So, there I was on by way to wealth, and looking around for something to invest in, when Occupy shut down the ports–not only the Port of Oakland, but also several other ports on the West Coast. Immediately afterwards, the air was filled with an incredible stench. You could hardly breath, the smell was so tremendously overpowering. On investigating the cause, I discovered that the 1% were crapping in their pants.
Being both a civic minded person, as well as an astute investor, I imported shiploads of adult-sized diapers and sold them to the 1%. I really cornered the diaper market, and became fabulously wealthy. I also received much gratitude and appreciation for having restored the quality of air here in Oakland.
(Of course the restoration of air quality was only temporary, as the air was soon filled with billowing clouds of tear gas. But there wasn’t much I could do about that, nor did I wish to, since as a newly anointed member of the 1%, I realized that the police defending my interests.)
Then Oakland Mayor Jean Quan had the grassy area of the plaza flooded, rendering it an uninhabitable swamp, and turning it into a city-center mosquito hatchery. Once again, being the far sighted entrepreneur that I now am, I outsourced the production of quinine tablets which I imported by the shipload and sold at great profit, thus preventing a malaria epidemic.