(As recorded at a D.C. cocktail party by our robot fly-on-the-wall. …)
Antonio Scalia (aka “Big Tony” — BT)
Clarence Thomas (aka “Little Bell” — LB)
Scene: Big Tony has pulled Little Bell aside in the parlor of a Georgetown apartment.
BT: I thought we needed to have this chat about this upcoming Walmart case.
LB: Yazzah. …
BT: You see, essentially what we’ve got here is a bunch of hysterical women trying to bring down one of America’s iconic institutions.
LB: Yazzah. … That’s how I sees it.
BT: Well, you see, there’s this whole principle at stake here. (Putting his hand avuncularly on LB’s shoulder–) Little Bell, if this goes through. … I call it “collective redress,” you see. Well… it’s as dangerous as the notion of “collective bargaining,” you see. These women are trying to work the courts, I’m telling you. They’ll bring down the System, I’m telling you. They’ll bring down the whole fucken System!
LB: Yazzah. That’s right. That’s how I sees it.
BT: Marone! Can you imagine? Why, if we allowed them to do this… we’d have anarchy, I’m telling you. Soon we’d have the Hispanics… and they’d be organizing and they’d be suing the whole fucken government to get Texas back! Give it back to Mexico! Hell, man, we’d have the Injuns organizing and they’d want Massachusetts back—and all the rest of it! Why, we’d have your Black brothers organizing—some hothead young radical who hasn’t been co-opted yet, some little sperm cell that didn’t get washed out with the douche bag, and he’d be out there radicalizing the unemployed. … You know what he’d say, doncha?
LB: Nossah. …
BT: Why, he’d tell’em they had a right, that’s what he’d say… that they had a “Constitutional right” (!) to file a grievance against the whole goddamn government, that’s what he’d say. A collective action… a class-action case against the whole goddamn government, Clarence! The whole goddamn government!
LB: Yazzah. That’s what he’d say. I do believe it!
BT: And they’d listen, Clarence. They’d listen! An’ you know why?
LB: Nossah. …
BT: Because we’d of set the precedent, that’s why! With this goddamn Walmart case. … So, you see, Li’l Bell, that’s why we can’t do it. We just can’t do it!
LB: Yazzah. I sees it now.
BT: (A little calmer now–) Okay, so the Jew and the skirts will throw a fit…, who cares?
LB: Which Jew, Sah?
BT: Breyer, of course! Talk about a guy who’s living in the past, huh? He thinks it’s still the old days with Jews marching arm-in-arm with the colored folks at the NAACP!
LB: (Smiling–) Yazzah! Them were the days!
BT: Okay for them days, I guess, but Breyer’s gotta get with the program! I mean… ideas like a class-action suit against grievances…? What kind of grievances? How they gonna prove it? So…, a skirt doesn’t advance up the ladder of success like a guy does. Does that mean it’s a policy? I mean, what if the Palestinians got hold of such a notion, huh? I mean, where would we be? Where would it end?
LB: Yazzah. … I sees that.
BT: Do you know where we’d be?
LB: (Hesitantly–) Nossah.
BT: Up shit’s creek, that’s where we’d be! I mean the whole damn Empire, that’s where we’d be! The whole good-Jesus N.W.O.! (Suddenly cautious–) None of this is going past us, right LB? I mean. …
LB: Nossah! (Solemnly; raising his right hand–) On my word of honor!
BT: I mean… it would be like the Nixon tapes, fer god’sake. I mean, if it were to get out.
BT: I mean, it would be like that goddamn Ellsberg, ya know.
LB: Yazzah. That’s right. Like that goddamn Ellsberg.
BT: (Looking around; still suspicious–) What the hell is that on the wall?
BT: Over there? What is that? (As he approaches, the robot fly buzzes away, lands nearby.) Goddamn fly! You see that? Goddamn fly! What kind of maid service they got in this place? Huh? The whole country’s falling apart and a bunch of hysterical women want to sue Walmart!
LB: (Shaking his head–) It’s bad! No measure! The folks has no measure no more!
BT: Well…, we’ll have the Jew and the skirts putting up a fuss, but we’ll just get Gwen Ifill or someone in the media to say something about the “liberals” on the court and then the American people will go back to sleep. They’ll stop paying attention soon as they hear that word. They’ve been conditioned now.
LB: Yazzah, that’s the word! (Hits his thigh–) “Conditioned!” (Laughs.)
BT: (Avuncularly again–) And, of course, that hybrid in the White House—he won’t say anything. He’s smart. He knows his place. He’ll keep his mouth shut. He can talk about marching on the picket lines when he’s a candidate, when he’s campaigning, but… he knows how the game is played. He’ll send Michelle off to Africa or something like that. Set her up with a meeting with Mandella an’ all the boobs will say, “See, they’re such good people! They really care!”
LB: (Laughing–) They really care! That’s a good one!
BT: Well, I’m glad we had this little talk, LB. I feel better now, knowing I can count on you!
LB: (Serious again–) Yazzah!
BT: Oh, yeah, there’s something else on the docket. Something about environmental groups being able to sue power companies that release too many emissions. (Starts laughing–) Can you imagine!
LB: (Laughing–) Nossah!
BT: Well, they know where they can stuff that case, right, LB?
LB: Yazzah! Stuff it!
BT: So…, how’s the little missus, LB? She treating you good?
LB: Yazzah! She’s a good one. Long as she keeps her mouth shut when she shouldn’t be pokin’ her nose where it don’t belong! But, I keeps her quiet now.
BT: That’s good, LB. That’s good. Wish the skirts would mind their lessons! They just don’t know what we’re up against. Crazy people want to bring down the whole System, the whole kit-n-kaboodle that we built up over the thousands of years! The whole financial system! The IMF…, and the World Bank…, and the central banks…, and the Rothschilds…, and the corporations…, and the nation-states with their sham democracies that hold it all together… the religious institutions… the kings and queens… the whole goddamn mother-fucking System! Like it was nothin’!
LB: The whole kit-n-kaboodle!
BT: Well, we’re not gonna let’em! We’re not gonna let’em do it, by God! No, sir! We don’t have this beautiful military-surveillance System for nothing, by God! We ain’t gonna let’em do it!
LB: Nossah! Tha’s right! Not gonna let’em! Not gonna let’em bring down the whole kit-n-kaboodle!. … Nossah. … Nossah. … Nossah. …