Admittedly, mistakes have been made. I am not perfect. I was brought up to believe in two slogans: Greed Is Good, and Buyer Beware. If ambition is a crime, then I plead guilty. If providing for your family is a crime, I plead guilty. If fraud and embezzlement are crimes, I plead guilty to 11 federal counts, and nolo contendere to 44 others. Please bring me a full pardon. I’m an old man. Don’t let me die in prison.
This Christmas, all we ask is that you bring us President Obama’s brain in a glass jar. We already have his heart and balls.
The Republican Party
I have been a good boy this year. Let me clarify the truth value of that statement. It falls within the standard deviation and generally accepted parameters of “good: and “bad” (with allowances made for situational ethics, unexpected opportunities, and circumstances beyond my control). While I’m rich, famous and adored by people who have no reason to even like me, I am now very bored. Please bring me a new career.
To Whom It May Concern,
cc: North Pole trade representatives
cc: Santa, elves, helpers
I’ve been advised to contact your team. Not that we’re ungrateful, but we need more. More of everything. While the voters, the Congress and the Supreme Court have all done their part to reward Big Business, we need more. Pluto may no longer be a planet, but plutocracy is still the name of the game — if you get my drift. Let’s arrange a meeting.
President and CEO, U.S. Chamber of Commerce
Like all good Americans who want to see their country remain strong and liberty ring out its proud name for all to help keep us free in order to refudiate the lies of our enemies and the mainstream media. Please bring my family prosperity. Do I consider you a Socialist because you’re a foreigner who encourages people to rely on free gifts? You betcha.
I need a favor, and I don’t want to hear any happy horseshit about who’s been “naughty or nice.” My kids want presents. And even though I can afford to buy them any fucking thing they need, they want Santa to do it. Any objections you have, you can stick up your ass. How do we make this happen? Get back to me ASAP.
Dear Brother Claus,
This year I’m asking that you bring U.S. workers the gift of job security, livable wages, and decent benefits. It would mean a lot. Because most of your toys are made in China, I was reluctant to write you. But you’re our last hope, Santa. The Democrats have warned us to keep away. They don’t want to “spook the market.” Which means the American worker is now on his own. Please do what you can. Merry Christmas.
Dear Santa Claus,
I assume you’re a Jew, and that you’re willing to help other Jews. My country needs your assistance. Although we are surrounded by hostile neighbors who wish to annihilate us, much of the world still blames Israel. They call us Zionists. Could you put in a good word for us? Tell people we want peace. Tell them we want to live in harmony. Tell them also that we never forget, that if they don’t heed your words, we will learn their identities and hunt them down.