In an effort to forge party unity, the Republican National Committee today announced their new trademark, NO! as the party motto.
“It’s the only thing we could all agree on,” said Senator Barf McConnell, GOP minority leader. “All candidates will have to adhere to NO! before they receive party support, and we will continue looking for new things to disapprove of.”
Emerging after a secret meeting in Confusion, Wyoming, party luminaries such as Glenn Dreck, Sarah Failin, Dick Army, Mick Steal, Betty Boop and Nuke Grinrich thanked local residents of the least populous state in the union for guaranteeing their isolation from ideas, while they met to hammer out differences.
The group rejected mottos including “Railin’ with Failin,” “Ignorance is Bliss,” and “Make No Appointments-Have No Disappointments,” to settle on a simple NO! as the best way to represent the party in the upcoming elections.
“Party unity is the best we can do,” said Bobby Tightwad, a GOP leader from Utah. “By saying NO! we escape the corrupting, humanistic influences of Western Civilization to forge a new path.”
The new motto reflects the party platform: Republicans reject the stimulus fund, healthcare reform, bank regulation, gun laws, water conservation, abortion, affirmative action, amnesty for immigrants, gay marriage, global warming, drugs, masturbation, government debt, fuel economy, picking your nose in public, pay-as-you-go, and taxes on the rich.
A proposal to require Republican candidates to agree with all 17 NO! positions in the platform and add three more of their own choosing before being endorsed by the national party was narrowly defeated.
“There are only so many ways to say NO! and we wanted to cover them all,” said McConnell. “If we can’t deliver for our favorite lobbyists, we risk becoming totally irrelevant.”
A number of dignitaries made appearances during the meeting, including Benito Mussolini’s granddaughter, Alessandra Mussolini, who told the group, “It’s better to be a fascist than a faggot.” She also suggested the GOP get more money from people like Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, the richest man in Italy, to sway votes.
Republican hopeful Curly Fiorina, who is spending $878 million of her own money to buy a senatorial seat in California, bragged that she’s only voted six times in her entire life, including two votes in kindergarten. “NO! is the most important qualification for office this year and I whole-heartedly support it,” Fiorina said.
Disgusted with the GOP because they didn’t choose her Fox News Tea Cozy Principles, Grimy Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, said she plans to enroll in The Duplicity Christian Academy in Los Asses, Texas. “I’m a great soul, who never got around to politics because I had to keep my husband awake,” said Thomas. “Now I’m fresh to lead a citizen’s revolt and take our country back to 1638.”
Glenn Dreck admitted that he considered leaving the party after his “English Only” motto was rejected. He may join Rush Limburger when he moves to Costa Rica to collect socialized medical benefits, or he may start his own group, “Jesus Love Me-Not You.”
“If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for America,” said Dreck. “Only English speaking Republicans can join, as if there are any other kind.”
Nuke Grinrich is considering starting his own football team to fight godless atheists and secular humanists headon. “It’s another head-pounding-in-the-toilet day for me and I’m feeling nasty,” said Grinrich. “I can’t even find any liberals to yell at in Wyoming, so I have to yell at a herd of cows.”
Other mottos vied for a place in the new GOP lexicon. Tim Potty-Matter of Fox News Addicts Anonymous suggested, “Ignore It and It Will Go Away.” Ron Paul and Hick Hackberry joined Potty-Matter in putting forth the theme, “Protect Delusion,” a central tenet of the popular flat-earth movement that opposes teaching about evolution and global warming. “We’re a party of big ideas, as long as we agree with ‘em,” said Hackberry.
Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts, said he embraces the new motto and suggested Fox News embrace it as their own. “The GOP needs a policy similar to those of credit card companies: We reserve the right to change the rules at anytime,” said Romney. “That’s why I should be the next president.”
At the end of the meeting, Sarah Failin unveiled a plan to take her new group, The Saran Wrap Girls, on the road to sing gospel songs in Texas, Arkansas and Alabama. “We will incopulate the new motto in all our songs,” said Failin. “We’ll be singing old favorites mostly; “It’s No Secret What the GOP Can Do,” “The Wonderful Grace of Republican Tax Cuts,” and “The GOP Reigns.”
“We’re here to stay,” Failin said. “You can’t boil us like frog legs.”