Group Floats Bold Proposal to Fix Economy

WASHINGTON (AEP) — A consortium of prestigious think tanks including the Heritage Foundation, Cato Institute, and the American Enterprise Institute, has just released a paper detailing a bold new plan for fixing America’s ailing economy.

“Slavery was so much more efficient and cost-effective that we would be remiss as a nation if we did not seriously consider returning to it,” the report says. “Given the challenges now facing the United States, the drain on resources and the stumbling economy, it seems obvious to us that at least a partial return to the policies of the late 18th and early 19th centuries is in the best interests of Americans.”

Neither the White House nor anyone in Congress had any immediate reaction to the report. However, one very prominent Senate Democrat from a populous Northeastern state did say off the record that, “I don’t think there’s any question that everyone agrees with the general thrust of the report. The problem lies in its implementation. Ultimately, it may take a nuclear attack on Iran to toughen Americans up enough so they’ll have the stomach to make obvious, needed changes.”

Liberal peace activists were incensed by the report’s recommendations, however. Said one, “It’s so ludicrous. The idea that chattel slavery is cheaper than wage slavery is just stupid. These idiot capitalists have been living so high on the hog for so long that they’ve forgotten just how good they have it right now. Yes, they need to tweak the system. But a major overhaul of the kind they’re suggesting will just cost them more in the long run than it will save them. Morons.”

The report did acknowledge that, “Many will question the wisdom of what we are suggesting. But it’s important for everyone to remember that this is about more than just economics. With the Iraq War spinning out of control and unrest here at home on the increase, this is also about ideology. We’ve got to get this country back under control before it’s too late.”

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a member of the consortium’s deliberative body revealed that, “There were proposals made by some who wanted to introduce the old Chinese practice of foot-binding here in the U.S. to help roll back the awful problems posed by feminism.” These proposals were narrowly defeated. However, a proposal to introduce stoning of unmarried women who are sexually active did find its way into an appendix of the report.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Chinese President Hu Jintao, and North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, who are all meeting this week in Beijing on unrelated business, issued a joint statement expressing their strong approval for the consortium’s report. “When a country like the United States takes so strong a lead in returning the world to a place of great sanity, it is the responsibility of world leaders such as ourselves to stand up and express our unwavering gratitude and support.”

One leading labor activist said however that the report did not go far enough. “White men’s wages have been in decline for decades. It’s not enough to just deal with the Negroes. You’ve got to deal with Hispanics and Orientals, too. This report isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on.”

Nonetheless, with such a powerful coalition pushing these ideas, the report’s supporters like their chances. Said one, “We’re building a time machine, the likes of which neither H.G. Wells nor Stephen Hawking could construct.”

Time will tell if he is right.

E. B. Patton is a reporter for the Cincinnati-based AEP, and can be reached via e-mail at: Read other articles by E.B., or visit E.B.'s website.

4 comments on this article so far ...

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  1. Jeremy Wells said on September 1st, 2007 at 6:50pm #

    The neo-cons, the corporate-fascists have a much more profitable agenda in mind than reverting to costly chattel slavery. Slavery was based on the necessity of the cheapest labor to work in a primitive agriculture. The mechanization of agriculture today, which eliminates 95% of the labor, was the ultimate cause of the end of massive slave labor, and leads to the maximization of profit. Why bear the costs of chattel slavery when these human resources are no longer needed to generate profit. Rather than feed, clothe, house the unprofitable millions and billions, they will simply be eliminated. What we have today is the GENOCIDE OF THE UNPROFITABLE.

    The Bush regime in it’s GREED driven policies, has done everything possible to maximize the wealth of the ruling elite. War is necessary for the profit of the military-industrial elite, the oil companies, and the implementation of the Project for the New American Century for global hegemony. The federal government has
    been privatized (i.e. plundered), and the vast billions needed are simply borrowed from China.

    All social services are to be eliminated or privatized (profit-making). Public health care, public schools, public utilities, etc. are privatized so that only those working people who have jobs (i.e. profit-generating work for corporations) can afford them. Thus the 47 million who cannot afford health insurance will simply die off.
    Good riddance!

    The costs to fix the levees in New Orleans would cost BILLIONS in tax money, tax monies the ruling elite will not pay because THERE IS LITTLE OR NO PROFIT IN PROVIDING HELP TO UNPROFITABLE HUMANS. Unprofitable human resources are to be eliminated by the most indirect methods possible.

    Futurists have predicted that the planet cannot produce enough food and water for the ever growing population. For a sustainable existence in 100 years, 2200 calories per person, in 100 years the population of the planet needs to be about 500 MILLION. The population is now about 6.5 BILLION. To implement a global policy of birth-control, economic equality, massive pollution controls, etc. would require a form of socialism that would eliminate corporate capitalism.

    Thus NOTHING is done about the effects of GLOBAL WARMING. Katrina is an example of the barbaric world we now live in.

    This global genocide of the unprofitable is at first perceived by non-whites as a massive race war by white people. But wealthy non-whites, profitable non-whites will survive because they will have crossed over the class line from being exploited to being a profitable human resource and even to become an exploiter themselves. They will escape the genocide of the unprofitable.

    The rascist advantage of “white people” is now at an end. Poor and unprofitable white people will find they will be unable to buy food, clothing, shelter, education, health care, etc. as there are not enough “living wage” jobs to go around. There will not be enough hours in the day to earn enough to survive.

    The knowledge about this new reality is being desperately supressed daily by corporate mass-media. These facts of life …. and death …. are suppressed in the Democratic/Republican corporate controlled political charade.

  2. Terry Greenwood said on September 2nd, 2007 at 5:45am #

    Where did you find this report? What are the names of the people who authored this report? One would have to be a credulous simpleton to buy into this inane assertion.

  3. Mike B) said on September 2nd, 2007 at 8:02am #

    Slavery indeed! I’m a free man with a 30 year ARM and a Visa card which only carries $15 minimum payments each month. Hell, my credit limit is $34,000. I’m free after work to do what I like as long as I keep my cell on. I never know when my company needs me. Sure, I work long hours for a cranky boss; but hell, I’ve got a flat screen TV and 200 channels to watch. Thank-you Fox and special thanks to Panasonic for finding a cheap place to produce these excellent sets. I get most of my stuff from China and Vietnam. Did we really lose that war? I tell you. So, all this joking about slavery. Gimme a break.

  4. John Concack said on September 2nd, 2007 at 10:43pm #

    the scary part of this satire is that with all the shit that people in power have done to get their way in the history of empire, it is something i can expect may happen in the future. that’s the scary part of it.