Fun Facts About Invertebrates

My ten-year-old granddaughter looked up from her science homework the other day and posed me a question she thought would be a real stumper.

“Grampa, what’s the world’s largest invertebrate life form?”

“That would be the Democratic Party,” I replied. “Why do you ask?”

“Because my science book says it’s the ‘giant squid.’ They can weigh up to 600 pounds.”

Upon hearing this stupefying factoid, I was forced to concede.

“Then I guess your science book is probably correct, sweetheart. Even loaded down with frozen blocks of corporate campaign cash, most Democrats don’t weigh that much!”

“I’ll bet the Democratic Party is smarter than a giant squid, though,” she offered, graciously allowing me to salvage some semblance of academic face.

“I suppose it would depend on the squid,” I posited. “That, and the number of Democrats present at the time of the comparison.”

“Well, Grampa, what if there were a lot of Democrats, and they were all meeting in Congress, making a really good plan to get us out of Iraq? Who would be smarter then?”

“Definitely the giant squid,” I quipped with confidence. “You see, honey, believe it or not, the more Democratic Congressmen there are in a room, the greater the likelihood the entire quorum will be outwitted by a single marine mollusk, not to mention a reasonably alert jellyfish. Take the Senate Majority for instance…”

But before I could get into my stride, my granddaughter again shifted gears.

“But Grampa, at least Democrats are brave, right? I mean, they have more guts than a squid, don’t they?”

“Well technically, sweetheart, we know a squid has guts, because we can see inside it. Squid are transparent, you see, and that’s one thing you could never say about Congressional Democrats. Oh sure, they all claim to have “intestinal” fortitude and the “stomach” for a fight when they’re on the campaign trail, but once they get voted into office they line up to be gutted like nihilistic sardines fighting to get into the can. And once Democratic politicians are eviscerated, they leave behind whatever vestige of moral courage they once possessed as thoughtlessly as a lobster sheds his carapace. They quake in terror at the mere mention of imaginary sea monsters lurking in the Strait of Hormuz, and spend most of their time groveling on bended-fin before a barnacle encrusted, not-very-lifelike cement statue of “King Neptune the Invincible”, something 71% of the other fish find laughable, if not utterly baffling. It’s the damndest thing…”

Still my intrepid granddaughter was undeterred in her valiant attempt to find a place for Congressional Democrats at the apex of the invertebrate food chain.

“There’s just one thing I don’t understand, Grampa. If big old slimy bottom-feeding squid monsters are so much braver, smarter and more powerful than Democrats, then how come one of them doesn’t run for the Senate?”

“One already has, sweetheart,” I replied. “Isn’t there a picture of Joe Liebermann in your science book?”

Mark W. Bradley is a history teacher and political satirist in Sacramento, California. He can be contacted at: markwbradley@att.net. Read other articles by Mark.

7 comments on this article so far ...

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  1. gerald spezio said on September 24th, 2007 at 6:09am #

    Okay Bradley. let’s see your teaching credential.

  2. Deadbeat said on September 24th, 2007 at 12:23pm #

    The Democrats are not “spineless”. The Democrats are two-faced. Big difference

  3. Paul Meyer said on September 24th, 2007 at 7:17pm #

    What must become much clearer now, is that elected officials aren’t making policy–they are reflecting policy already made behind closed doors. Getting money out of the electoral process might go a long way to getting the Zionist lobby and the vested interests of the military-industrial complex out of the policy-dictating role. But I forget myself–money is Constitutionally protected speech!

  4. Larry White said on September 26th, 2007 at 1:37pm #

    “Democrats ARE brave! They showed that MoveOn, didn’t they?” squeaked the 10 year old neighbor kid.

  5. you dont need to know my name said on October 24th, 2007 at 3:24pm #

    this story is very wierd

  6. ME EITHER said on March 27th, 2008 at 3:16pm #

    AT LEAST THEY NEVER INVAIDED THE WRONG COUNTRY UNDER FALSE PRETENCES LIKE …..LETS SEE GEORGE W BUSH. LOOKING FOR WMD’S THAT DON’T EXEST, THEN FIGHTING TERORESTS THAT WERERT THERE,…. NOW SPREDING DEMORICY THAT ISINT WANTED. ALL SO WE CAN PAY $4.00 A GALLON FOR GAS AND PUT MORE MONEY IN THE POCKETS OF THE SAME PEOPLE THATBOUGHT , THATS RIGHT I SAID BOUGHT THIS IDIOT HIS POSISTION OF POWER AND STUPIDITY! I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT McCIAN DOSENT GET IN THE OFFICE TO INVAID ANOTHER WRONG COUNTRY!

  7. Frankie said on July 9th, 2008 at 12:17pm #

    Thank you for an excellent tale, Mr Bradley. It’s sadly true; the invertebracy of Congressional Democrats cannot be denied. Bush continues to say “The Boogeyman is going to get you if you don’t give me what I want! Boo!” and the Dems continue to knuckle under.