Clearing the Air Means We All Breathe Easier

NEW YORK (AEP) — Wall Street investors are buzzing about the latest IPO. Washington-based Giantel Corporation has just announced its deal with the Bush administration to secure distribution rights over air.

Giantel’s CEO, German-born G.I. Luvkash, explains: “For too long, the public has labored under the inefficiencies of a woefully outdated oxygen distribution system, more reminiscent of Soviet communism than of the rights of all people to breathe.”

But this new deal changes all that, says Luvkash. Instead of the currently existing freedom-crushing public monopoly over air distribution, Giantel has secured the rights to remove oxygen from the air and bottle it for public consumption.

Giantel promises to keep the price of oxygen under two dollars a bottle, ensuring all consumers access to their daily-recommended allowance of the life-sustaining gas. But some environmental activists and consumers’ rights groups aren’t convinced.

“Past inefficiencies in our government’s air distribution are no justification for a system which has yet to prove it can supply oxygen to all who need it,” explains Dudley Rollover, Chairman and CEO of the liberal advocacy group Air First!

Giantel says it has worked out all the kinks, however, and promises that any excess profits it makes will be used to provide oxygen to third-world residents at reduced rates. “No one should suffocate just because their country’s government refuses to do legitimate business with the U.S.,” says Luvkash.

“In the end, we may never know just how exciting this development will turn out to be unless we try,” says Ina Sukup, Professor of Environmental Studies at Harvard. “But this has the potential to revolutionize the way we all synthesize ATP in the U.S.”

Experts hope this latest phase in “environmental reclamation” won’t turn out like last year’s anti-death vaccine introduced by Texas-based Grimly Company. Then, activists were incensed that Grimly had priced the vaccine at $10 million (Canadian) per dose, putting the life-giving miracle drug out of reach for ordinary millionaires.

Luvkash says Giantel has learned from Grimly mistakes. “Our business model will allow us to turn oxygen into the oil of the 21st century. The potential for growth here is enormous.”

It is a statement with which virtually all of Wall Street concurs.

E. B. Patton is a reporter for the Cincinnati-based AEP, and can be reached via e-mail at: Read other articles by E.B., or visit E.B.'s website.

3 comments on this article so far ...

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  1. Ron Horn said on August 26th, 2007 at 6:06pm #

    I knew it would happen! I told a woman friend decades ago that if they, the capitalists, could figure out a way to bottle air, they would do it and sell it to us. My god what is to be done!? Organize a boycott?

  2. John Halle said on August 26th, 2007 at 7:37pm #

    Nice job.
    Careful though.
    DV has been declared an irony free zone!

  3. bunnywabbit said on August 27th, 2007 at 9:51am #

    PLEASE SOMEONE tell us this is a joke.

    Because you know the profit and property predators would do this if they could.