While offering a preview of last night’s press conference by President Bush, a White House aide attempted yesterday morning to deflect persistent rumors of an imminent U.S. attack on Iran by branding such reports as “unfounded, irresponsible and no doubt related to something Bill Clinton did or didn’t do. Don’t forget: the man had sex, for crying out loud,” the staffer added with a pinched face.
The unnamed administration source, ignoring a reporter’s query as to what it’s like to go through life without a name, then went on to reveal the upcoming press conference’s theme: “Forget Iran. I mean, what does the U.S. care about an America-hating nation that sits atop ten percent of the planet’s oil? No, tonight the president will unveil his plan to counter the threat posed by the country with the world’s largest known stockpile of WMD. He has decided, after much deliberation, that America must robustly prepare to defend itself against an attack by itself.”
In light of this startling revelation, reaction from the White House press corps, a body widely perceived to be strangely incurious and timidly subservient to the Bush administration (accusations rejected by many of its members as “completely unwarranted”), was swift and vigorous. Almost in unison, they asked:
A few hours later, on national television, a grimacing President Bush, with head lolling occasionally from side to side, announced his radical new approach to fighting the “globular war on terror.”
Explaining the planet faces a “new pair of dimes,” Bush declared: “America has bunches of nukular missiles all over the place. These are very dangerous weapons that are very dangerous. The solution to deterring such an obvious threat is clear: we need to redouble our supply of them. That way, we will think twice before attacking ourselves. After all, we either fight ourselves over here, or over here.”
He then looked around and blinked a lot. Several reporters yawned.
“Therefore,” the president said, “I announce tonight a new $300 billion defense initiative: the ‘New Offensive Nuclear Systems Enhancement for National Security.’ Every American can stand united in knowing, whether it be Republican, Democrat, Christian or latte-sipping human flesh-eating pagan, that my plan to protect der vaterland, I’m sorry, the homeland, is NONSENS.”
A paper airplane sailed by the podium.
“Furthermore,” Bush continued, “we need to increase-ify our stockpile just in case we accidentally fire some extras into another country like, let’s just say for example’s sake, Iran. Not that we’re planning on it, heh-heh.”
Media members seemed not to notice this apparent Freudian slip, involved as they were in a spirited round of hacky-sack.
Bush concluded: “NONSENS, in addition to protecting us from us, is the sort of thing that drives bidness ’cause, ya know, what’s good for General Dynamics is good for the country. Plus, money can be saved elsewhere by cutting the fat: my administration has just reclassified those little white paper napkins as vegetables, thereby saving millions of dollars per year wasted on federally-funded school lunches for kids who’d eat a heckuva lot better if their parents would just quit bein’ so poor.”
Not to be outdone, Democrats immediately proposed a tripling of the country’s nuclear arsenal while vowing to simultaneously fight the GOP’s “ridiculous” napkins-as-comestibles re-labeling, saying their alternative plan could be fully funded by instead “doing away with those plastic spoons kids just use to flick peas with anyway.”